Sunday, October 28, 2012


"October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month! Let's take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. Baby loss is still a taboo subject.  Break the silence. "

Honestly, that's all I'm going to say about it right now. It just feels like I should put this up because the statement I agree with is that it is a taboo subject, and it is good to mention. I didn't change my status though because I hate anything preachy on my status. Even if it's something I care about. Also, I'm pretty sure October is a month for so many different things... I kind of feel like there shouldn't be a month for this, people just shouldn't be scared to talk about their experiences. Including me. Which is why I started this blog to begin with.

This has been THE longest month. I'm exhausted, and I've had a bit of a bad weekend, so I really shouldn't be writing right now. However, the month will be over on Wednesday (thanks goodness), and I promised myself I would write this weekend. It's taken me all day, but here I am -writing. I planned to read and write all weekend, and haven't done either one until now (after midnight on Saturday.) I haven't really done any writing for most of this month though, and I'm feeling pretty guilty about that. I'm also trying to figure out how I've been keeping myself busy. Why wasn't I writing?

The person that I am currently in a long distance relationship with comes back for a visit at the end of November, so I have a feeling November might go pretty slowly as well. I start volunteering next week though (once a week), so hopefully that will help the time go quicker.

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel that I'm very good at long distance relationships, although maybe I'm just not good at relationships in general. I'm not very good at communicating at times. Or ever. Letting things out, isn't easy for me. In life, in my writing, in my fiction. I get things out matter of fact type, but am not good at saying how I'm feeling, or putting emotion in my writing. It's something I need to work on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on the long distance thing, I'm just admitting I am not very good at it. Once again -that's all I'm going to say about the relationship thing. It's part of my life, so I want to mention it, but I don't want to talk too much about it. Especially for the reason already mentioned, if I can't tell him what I'm feeling, I'm not going to tell the world. (Haha... or the two readers I have...)

I was thinking about the miscarriage the other day. It seems so small now. It took me SO long to get over it, but really part of the reason it took me so long was because I didn't deal with it for such a long time. I didn't know how to deal with it, and I didn't understand it. I still don't really understand it, but I have dealt with it (for the most part), and it feels like Cameron's death was harder. Also, I guess I wasn't just dealing with the baby (fetus) loss, but also the death of two grandparents that year.

However, when Cam died, I had learned from my past mistakes of not dealing. I made sure to let people know when I was sad, get counseling, and not be 'fine' if I wasn't. Now, 10 months in, it's still hard. I don't talk about it as much because it is ten months in, but the truth is, I miss him. I wish my friend was around to call and talk to. Things weren't always perfect with us, but that's why we weren't together, and just friends in the end. Maybe I'm sick of talking about it. I feel like all I do lately is whine about missing him, or about missing long distance boyfriend (because I really miss them both -in two completely different ways).

So, that's it for now. I've done my annual Miscarriage Awareness entry.

Hopefully next time, I will have a better and more grateful attitude. :)

OH OH... speaking of the grateful thing. We had our first snow fall last week. I should have written then! So great! My favourite day of the year.


Sunday, October 07, 2012

Thanks Givings

It's been a while since I've sat down and wrote an actual blog post. I don't know why. Laziness? The inability to describe my thoughts? The inability to figure out what I'm feeling and why? 

Sometimes, fiction is the way to go. Or to escape my own reality completely and read a book. (I haven't done much of that either.)

Things are about to change again. September was a bit of a write-off when considering all the goals and stuff I'm working on. I was moving, and trying to spend every spare moment with a guy who was leaving. He's gone now, and I'm sad, but that's not why I'm writing. I think I've managed to not make this a romance blog (mostly because I haven't had a lot since starting this, and when I have, it hasn't really ended well.) 

This particular relationship hasn't ended, it's just gone long distance for now... I hope anyway, we didn't really discuss the future. The longer he's gone, the more insecure I am feeling. (He's been gone less than a week, so I better get that under control as well). I also found out that I'm pretty much on edge anytime somebody I care about is driving somewhere. Doesn't take much to figure out why, but I really feel better when i know all is good.

I apparently needed to get that out. I was meaning to write about why I've been MIA lately. The last two weeks of September were spent house hopping, while waiting to move to my new house (basement suite). The house I was in, seemed to be taken over by mice, and while I'm not really afraid of mice: it turns out I am. Just another fear I can work on. Although, if I stay away from mouse infested houses, I won't really have to worry about it. Long story short, it's not easy to read and write when you are staying at two different places. So I didn't. I wrote a little at the guy's house. Actually, I'm pretty happy that I'm comfortable enough to do that. I'm not that comfortable everywhere. 

Now he's gone, and I am without roommates so I'm hoping to get a lot more writing done. 

I have also re-started my diet and exercise routine. The laziness had to end sometime. I started counting calories on October 1st, and have some how managed to last 7 days even with Thanksgiving. I've been walking a lot, which is the number one solution to calm my nerves. I just have to remind myself of that on weekends.

Next, as it is Thanksgiving, It's time to talk about what I'm thankful for. Goes with the grateful category, and I have to tell you, I have not been feeling nearly grateful enough lately. I need to stop being pouty, and start appreciating ALL that I have. Because I have a lot. I'm so lucky that my family is mine, and that we all love, respect, and enjoy each other's company. I'm lucky to have my friends near and far.

Also, last year, I was thankful to be celebrating Nehal's wedding. I'm still thankful for that, and so glad that we are friends, and she has so many great things to look forward to after her year of marriage. (And I look forward to them as well).

So that's it. Grateful to be alive because that's really what it's all about. 

Happy Thanksgiving.