Monday, August 20, 2012


A lot has been going on lately. And I'm actually feeling pretty stressed out about it, and pretty nervous about life.

However, that's not what I want to write about. I want to write about my writing. Mostly fiction. I love writing. I have no problem writing here or in my journal, but for some reason I'm not so good at working on my novel. Once I start, the words are there, but it's the starting I'm terrible at.

I had a thought today. What if it's because I'm scared of failure. I mean, I've wanted to be a writer for most of my life (from about 8 years old). The older I get, the farther away it feels I'm getting from being a published writer. Other than short stories, I haven't been able to write it. It's FOR lack of trying. I focused on the short stories most of my early adulthood, and then I stopped writing for a while, and when I restarted it was non-fiction... and this blog.

Why aren't I writing? Why aren't I deciding my future by working and finishing the novel I've been talking about writing for years? Possible fear of failure? I mean... once I write it, that's awesome. However there's a difference between writing a novel, and writing a novel that gets read or published. I can't see myself announcing to the world, "I wrote a book!" but not being able to publish it. Writing is the one thing I love doing, and the one thing I know I can do. (ignoring the not so good grammar/spelling mistakes). Maybe the novel has taken this long because I'm afraid I'm not good ENOUGH.

Terrible thoughts right? I have made an effort most of my life to not think like that. To be positive about my future, and where I'll go, and where I'll end up. I do things usually with one goal, not to quit. I don't always try new things, but I try as many things as I can. When I do try them, I do my best and I hate when I give up. I still regret my failed bungee jumping experience. (failed as in, I didn't do it). I look back at that moment and it's a failure in my eyes. That's not saying I'll try it again, it's just saying, I should have taken advantage of the opportunity to do something unforgettable.

I've had certain people in my life at times say they're not surprised that I didn't do it (or they are surprised I've done other 'risky'/'scary' things). Those people bother me, but I guess I have nobody to blame for their impressions but myself. I mean... I think I do put on the appearance that I'm scared of life. The thing they don't realise is that being scared of life doesn't mean you don't live it... it just means you fight through the fear.

Look at that... I just figured out how to solve my problem. Yeah, I'm scared of failing at writing, I just have to fight through the fear.

Problem solved. I'll let you know when I finish writing it, and when it's published.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

A year ago

It's done. The year of me remembering what I was doing with Cameron at any point the previous year. It's done. The Banff trip with his family, the trip to BC, the move to Saskatoon, all the things we did in Saskatoon while he was visiting. 

Now is a whole new anniversary. It's when we stopped doing things together.

I wrote that at the end of August, but we broke up around this time. I don't know the exact date, but I do know we were slowly getting to our breaking point, and it could have been a year ago today. It's not the last time in the year we saw each other, and it's not the last time we spoke to each other. I have those memories as well, but it was the end of us as a couple. Not the end of us as friends, but we didn't really have any more adventures together after that. So, my flashbacks of what we were doing a year ago are done. 

It slowly became less about us, and more about me finding out who I was again. It's so easy to forget. Truth be told, it wasn't a good year. I ate too much, I drank too much, I was depressed, I was broke, I made mistakes, and I had a rash. I think the rash was caused by stress and unhappiness, but I don't have proof of that. I still spoke to Cameron, and I missed him. I was slowly learning that I could do it all on my own (and that I always could).

It wasn't until the new year, that I actually started doing things for myself, living a better life, and being happy. I don't want to jinx it, and I hate to say it because of what was lost, but it's been a good year so far. (no rash). I'm writing a lot. I'm spending time with people I enjoy, and I'm doing things by myself if I don't have friends around. I'm me again -just a new and different me (because as I've said before, I will never stop changing).

There are still things I need to work on, and still things that I may have to continue to address (possibly my whole life. ) I'd love to just be happy all the time, and never feel depression creeping in. However, I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's something I have to fight for (or fight against), and I will. I'll also continue to win. I kept myself really  busy this weekend (which may be why I'm so exhausted this week), and I know it was in defense of myself. Instead of sleeping all day, I went for walks, went to plays, and got out of the house. More to that story, but I don't really feel like going into it yet. (or ever).

Anyway, this is not an anniversary to celebrate. It's just something that happened a year ago today (or close to), and I think the year following it has been such a roller coaster of events and emotions. I'm hoping for life and emotions to slow down a little. Let me enjoy it.

To the next writing project...

Saturday, August 04, 2012

A good ending!

I hate bad endings. That being said, my books will probably not be uplifting endings, but not bad either. (I'll let you know if I ever get to the end). Either way, last blog entry was not a happy ending.

So, even though I don't know if anybody who read it will come back and read again, just to let you  know, this morning, I got out of bed. I socialised, I cleaned up (showered, shaved my legs, washed my hair), and I had a cup of coffee.

I had a friend cancel plans to Fringe with me. So I came by myself. I brought my 'new-to-me' laptop, and I've been watching street performers, eating delicious street food, looking at things I'd love to buy, and I even went to a hilarious play by myself. Also, I'm writing. I've stopped at two pubs (one patio, one rooftop), had a beer in each, and have been writing. Things are good. My heart is light.

That's it. Back to writing, and looking like an eccentric writer. Got my head phones in as well, so I'm happy as hell.

By the way, the break from fb, is only half in effect. I'm not so good at the quitting.

Friday, August 03, 2012

Taking a break

Some generous people (Cameron's parents), gave me a notebook computer that they don't have a need for anymore. This was the nicest thing ever, and I still am shocked and happy with this gift. So now, I can write at home. I can put my memories and photos here, and take care of my music.

Here are some things that I don't want to do: I don't want to waste my time on Facebook when I could be writing. I've made a lot of changes in my life, but here's the big one. Enough with fb. I'm actually getting frustrated with technology in general. I'm constantly checking my phone to see if I've got texts, or emails or phone calls (rarely phone calls). Why, when I need so much to be happy with who I am, and what I'm doing for me, does it bother me so much when I don't hear from people. I suck at independence, but am working at it.

So -I think I'm going to try to take a break from fb. Maybe go on once a week. I don't need to know what every body in the world is up to, and they don't need to know what I'm up to. I don't need to check Cameron's wall to see if anybody wrote anything. It's their memories, and it has nothing to do with me. They're writing to him because they miss him. I don't have to check my crush's Facebook to see what he's been up to (especially since he rarely updates). I don't need to make plans through fb. That's what my phone is for.

I've done this before -quit fb for a certain amount of time. That's not really my plan. I just need a break. I need to focus on reading and writing, and fb is getting in the way of that. (so is Pinterest). Stumble Upon, on the other hand, actually takes me to quite a lot of resourceful pages about writing. So I'll continue with that one. I'm not going to make any big announcement on fb, letting people know my plans to take a break. It's getting ridiculous. My 'fans' will find a way to contact me if they need to. (I don't know if I need to explain the 'fans' comment, but I'm not really that egotistical. I just think that I update my status and put pictures up for these people -they're friends, but still, it all gets taken too far.)

So, I will still update my blog because I find that to be pretty important lately. Plus I have to update on all my improvements in being a better person. I emailed somebody about volunteering today.  The thing about the blog is I feel like if I say something on here, I may follow through more than if I write it in my journal. (And while writing it on fb is actually helpful, the blog seems more low key.)

Okay. Going to read now. Then write. And then, I'm going to bed. I've had kind of  a long day, and I'm not feeling very well. I also feel like I need a good cry. I'll skip that and just have a good weekend. (starting tomorrow).

Actually. The truth is, I don't feel like I'm doing so well. I feel like I'm not fighting as hard as I should be right now, and maybe the depression is winning. I let it get the best of me today and tonight. Possibly the last couple of days. Tomorrow -I will win. And I'll also stop saying tomorrow and just say now. There's no point in making plans for the future if I'm not going to work on the today.

Thursday, August 02, 2012


I had my yearly review yesterday for work. It was all good. I don't need to go into it, but basically my boss said I was still doing great, and told me about the annual upcoming raise. (Also my first raise, other than the three month raise at the start). Basically, I was feeling pretty good. Sometimes I get frustrated with my job. It seems slow, and at times, I wish I had a job that actually helped people. As I've made mention before, I've been a bit concerned about money as well. None of that is really important because I can deal with it. That's what people do, they deal with things.  Either way, it gave me a bit of relief knowing things would stay stable for the time being. (Also, made me realise that my anxious need to go somewhere, see something, and do something new would have to hold off for a bit).

I was telling somebody about my review, and he said it's always nice to be told we're awesome. He was right, but at the same time, today, the happiness has worn off a little, and I haven't been feeling awesome today. Maybe that's a good thing. It's not. Feeling not awesome, isn't really good, but somebody telling me I am or am not awesome, doesn't really make a big difference unless I'm feeling good about myself. (Not that I don't like being appreciated.)

I feel like I've been falling short on things lately. These ups and downs are getting fucking ridiculous.

So long blog short, I need to do things for myself so I can feel awesome. Here are things I need to do:

  • As mentioned in my last blog entry, I need to write. I'm so sick of thinking of myself as a writer, and imagining myself with a published book. Either I do it, or I don't. I'd like to do it. So while blogging and journalling, are great, I also need to work on writing for publishing. I don't know how, but try try again, right?
  • I really need to get less lazy. I was doing so good with exercising. Three to four times a week was my goal, but this summer it's gone down hill. Not going to the gym is fine, but I need to exercise somehow. I don't want to go back to how I was. I've never felt more happy or confident when I knew I was exercising and doing something healthy for myself. I went on some nice long walks on the weekend, and felt great. However, I haven't done enough this week. (As I write this, it's pouring rain out, so the gym would be a good idea for tonight if I didn't already have plans.)
  • I need to go back to eating healthy and saying no to crap. No need to go further with this one. I know how I've been eating. While it's fine to cheat sometimes (because refusing deliciousness is depressing), I need to decide specifically when I can eat bad, and when I can't.
  • I need to budget. I've already started, but my god... I'm 31. If I don't learn soon, I'll never learn. Now is the time. (for everything).
  • This one is something that's been on my list for quite a while, but I'd really like to volunteer. I was worried I wouldn't be able to because I'd have to get a second job, but that's sorted now, so I should find somethign I love, and volunteer.
  • This is my last one, and it's hardest to explain. I need to learn how to talk to people about how I'm feeling. When I miss Cameron, I write it here, for the world I don't know to read (or passively for people I know to read), or I write to him in my journal. What I don't do is say it out loud. I could tell so many people, but I worry that they'll think I'm not getting over it, or see me as less strong than I should be. If I'm feeling sad because my friend died before Christmas, I should be able to talk about it.
That being said, I do miss Cameron, and that's a constant. I wish with all my heart that I could phone him, tell him about my day, and listen to his advice (that I most likely wouldn't have asked for). I want to tell him about new friends, my new relationship, or gossip about old friends. But I can't. And that's tough as hell.

Okay, I should go. I'm running out of things to say, and have other things I need to do. I need to start working on the awesome, feel good list.

The time is now. (I really wish I'd stop saying that, but it just seems to fit absolutely everything.)

Wednesday, August 01, 2012


I've decided to bribe myself with my fiction writing. It seems absolutely horrible that I have to bribe myself to do something I love, but I am a procrastinator, and I've found what will be a solution. As I wrote a while ago, my laptop (notebook computer) crashed, and will not be revived. This is one of the reasons I've had such a hard time writing. As great as having a journal is, I'm not a fan of writing fiction in the journal. However, I'll have to do that for now. And to 'reward' myself for writing, I'm going to save money for a laptop. I'm paying myself to write. Everyday I write, money will go towards a new laptop. Hopefully, this will work because I'm sick of calling myself a writer, and then not writing. I need to stop saying I'm going to write a novel, and write a novel. Now is the time.

That's it. I have more to say, but that's it for right now.