Wednesday, March 28, 2012

More changes or goals...

I said in an earlier post that I was going to begin going to the gym. I have. I decided to stick to the Elliptical until I get more into shape, and then I will focus on weights or strength training. The first day (Monday last week), I was on it for 20 minutes. The next day (Tuesday), 30 minutes. 20 minutes was tough, and 30 was hard as well. I play Dodge ball on Wednesday, and had plans on Thursday, so I went back on Friday and did an hour on the Elliptical. The last 30 minutes were HARD. The last 15 minutes were TERRIBLE. I did it though.

I took the weekend off. Even going so far as to have a Baconator from Wendy's. I learned a lesson while sitting at home with an upset stomach that night from basically a burger full of grease. Exercise is not the only thing I need to change. On Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market, and bought green and healthy food. I also downloaded a Calorie counter/exercise app. (

I began using it on Monday. At 9am, somebody came out of the work kitchen and announced there was cheesecake. First of many times I am going to have to resist. I recorded all my calories, and by the time I got to the gym, and did my hour on the elliptical, I was feeling good. I felt a little like I had cheated the system by giving myself more calories.

Tuesday, however, was harder at the gym. The last 15 minutes, I basically hated everybody. (Mostly the people who weren't sweating profusely or smelling like they needed to wash their gym clothes, and were making the whole gym going experience look effortless). I left once again, feeling proud of myself. For my newest life changes and choices. Finally, going into my 30s, I'm making healthy life choices.

Today, I have Dodge ball, so there will be no gym. My last Dodge ball game (ever, if I have anything to say about it). I really am not enjoying it like I hoped I would. I'm more of an exercise on my own person. Especially because I have not been able to get the throwing, dodging or catching down.

I'm planning four gym trips a week, and every day of calorie counting. (1200 calories a day).

I don't think I ever explained why I'm doing this. In November/December of 2011 (last November and December), I was at my very highest weight ever. I had decided not to buy a dress to my Christmas Party, only to find out the day before while trying on the dresses I have, that NOT ONE fit. I had gained A LOT of weight.

Since Cameron died, I've lost 15 pounds. I don't think this is anything to be proud of. It was unhealthy choices, and no appetite that caused the weight loss. Now - I am making changes. I plan to lose a bit more weight, and then maintain it by eating well and exercising. I've gotten this far by accident, I just need to keep it up. I'm pretty focused on making this happen. I hate to give up, so I hope that trend will continue into exercising and calorie counting.

By the way -I have never dieted in my life. I find it extremely sad. Counting calories makes eating a lot less interesting. I have started eating three meals a day though, which I haven't done for years. (For a while after the New Year, I was only eating one meal a day.)

So... here's to more life changes for me. It's never ending.

Friday, March 23, 2012


I feel like posting, but I don't want it to be about anything very personal. I was feeling a bit insecure about the last entry. It felt like too much, too much detail, too much about something that did not just involve me. I had blogger's regret... I did talk to my friend (and writer advice giver/encourager) about it, and she thought it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. (not in those words.) So I'm leaving it up for now, but once again changing my approach.

I won't really be focusing on the online thing like I said I would, unless it's very important because as I said, that's about two people. Not just me.

Once a long time ago, I used the title 'Do One Thing a Day That Scares You'. Or something along those lines. At that point, I was referring to blogging, and writing about my life. That doesn't scare me anymore. For more than one reason, but mostly because I don't think a lot of people read this. I may be wrong. It is something open on the Internet, but it just feels like my main supporters read it -and I am okay with that.

It means, I have to find something else that scares me, and I have. everyday I've been facing my fears and walking underneath a bridge in Saskatoon by the river. It's covered with scary birds. Pigeons I think -but it really makes no difference. My heart stops every time I hear them or see them move. It's a strange fear, but if that's my biggest problem, life is pretty okay.

So, once again, I need to thank Lulu Lemon, for their great inspiring words (I'm not thanking them for the overpriced clothing). I do agree with you should do one thing a day that scares you, if not to get a little bit out of your comfort zone. It's a pretty good feeling. Hard to do all the time though. I've been jumping out of my comfort zone like crazy this week... birds, gym, date.

That's it. Just thought I'd write a quick entry. Now, I have to work.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

The continuation of the new me

Starting Monday, I am going to start using my gym membership. I finally got it sorted out, and now I will start going. My one and only goal this year is to do things that make me happy and do things for me. This is one of the many.
My relationship slash non love life is going nowhere. I'm not giving up on that either, but spreading the focus around a little. Maybe I'll start a humorous dating blog... probably about online dating because I haven't figured out how else to date.

Thursday, March 15, 2012


To continue on with my happy/inspirational life, I'm going to write about the great things that have happened this week. I might try to do this once a week. Not everyday... while I'm sure I could do it everyday, I don't actually find it to be good blog material. The week started off kind of slow with good things. I was a little bit down a couple days. That's life right? The important thing is to somehow get away from the sad feeling. The weather has been gorgeous ALL week. I've now gotten rid of my Winter jacket, and have been wearing only hoodies for warmth.

I'll start with Sunday because it was actually a pretty great day. I spent it with my mom. We went to a play with my sister and aunt (after having lunch). The play wasn't the best I've seen, but wasn't terrible either. It was a Simpson's/Macbeth mix -all done by one person. After that, my mom and I went to the Brier finals with my roommate and her friend. She got the tickets from her work, and was nice enough to share. I went on Tuesday with her as well. (not my mom).

Monday is actually kind of a haze, although something that does stand out is the fact that I woke up cheerful, and was fine with the fact that not only was it morning, but the weekend was over. I think it's my new room. I don't have curtains so block the sun, so I wake up to it. (or get out of the shower to it, as the sun isn't quite awake at the same time as me (yet).

Tuesday I wore a skirt. Not that exciting? Doesn't matter to me. It was nice enough that I could walk to work in my skirt. LOVE!!! Also, I should mention I have been walking to work by the river, which means going underneath a bridge that has a HUGE amount of scary birds. So I've also been facing the same fear everyday. Facing fears is good, and I also like the scared feeling. As long as it goes away. So far, so good, but I'm sure the birds will realise how scared I am of them soon.

Yesterday was another beautiful day. I was a little sluggish in the morning. Worried about things that I have no power over. I had a therapy appointment in the afternoon, and then walked back to work from it. Those appointments help. It's like my time, to talk about what I need to, and to relax if I need. Although, I think my  next appointment is my last for a bit, so I'll have to learn as much as I can from it. The day got even better though. When I got back to work, I was asked if I wanted to go to a Darious Rucker and Lady Antebellum concert. The answer was OF COURSE. I can definitely say, those two are my very favourite country artists, so it was a wonderful time. My roommate was my date for the night. She enjoyed it as well, which is great!

And today... it's only half way through, but I've just been feeling so happy about the week, and about my light heart. I'm also going to hang out with one of my best friends tonight, and her two gorgeous little boys. I'm looking forward to that. Oh and I have a great appreciation for the fact that I'm not allergic to peanut butter. Nothing is better than a Nature Valley sweet and salty peanut granola bar in the morning. Heaven!

I won't be doing another one of these until next week I guess. I'll throw in a thing I'm already excited about for tomorrow. Free lunch! The best sandwich ever made. (well it was the last time). And I do have plans on Saturday, but I'm not sure how secure they are, so I'll just hold off on talking about it.

One other thing... I decided last month to start dating again. I've been seeing somebody for less than three weeks... not a long time, and I'm not really sure at the moment what's happening with it. I don't know where it's going, if anywhere, but it's fun for the moment, and I'm glad to give it a go. Brave face.

So all these great things are small and probably insignificant to many, but to me, they've made this week into a wonderful one. This trend is going to continue.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

It is what it is?

This will be a short post. Being that I'm in the inspiration type mood lately, I thought I'd write down my latest thought. I've heard a lot of people say "It is what it is." They say this as a reason for life, I guess. A reason that things have not turned out the way it was expected.

I call it an excuse. I hope that I never have to explain to my children that the reason life has been unfair to them is because 'it is what it is'.

Instead, I will be telling them, "It is what you make it out to be".

That's my thought.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Smiling and happy and stuff

It's been a while since I wrote. Mostly because my computer crashed, and I haven't fixed it yet. I've been writing a lot in my journal, but miss blogging.

First of all, I'm feeling good. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad all the time, and I'm learning a life lesson that I should have learnt a long time ago: It's up to me to be happy. When I feel myself sinking, and feeling sad at the way certain things turned out, I just have to stop and breathe, and think about all the great things I have in my life, and all the great things I hope to have in my life.

Gratitude. I was beginning to learn about this before Cameron died. Sometime in the fall, after we broke up, I think I realised that I was the only person who could keep myself going, and hopefully happy.

I momentarily stopped after he died. I wasn't sure how to survive or get through it. I knew I had support with my family and friends, but it didn't stop the fear of not being able to get through the pain. I got through it. This isn't to say I'm not still sad some times. I lost somebody who was a huge part of my life, and who I am pretty sure I would have stayed friends with as we grew older. It's tough, and I will miss him, but I need to focus on myself more than any sort of pain. I have a lot of good memories that I can be happy about with him, but not only that, I will have a lot more good memories in my life as I continue to grow.

I don't give myself enough credit. As one of my friends pointed out, it wasn't just Cameron who helped me get through that terrible year. I got myself through it. I was lucky to have him, but I need to take credit for all that I've accomplished. I pulled myself out of the depression, and nobody else. Cameron was a rock, and I will be always be happy that he was there for me, and I'll always be grateful that he was there. However, moving back to Saskatoon and the break up was the best thing for me, and the best thing for him. I started to gain back my independence, and started to realise that I could do it on my own.

So, I guess the point is, that I'm getting through life, and working on keeping the best attitude I can have. I am stronger than I think I am, and probably stronger than others give me credit. Some people. I know which ones think I'm strong. They sometimes have more faith in me than I do. I love having a light heart, but have to work at it some days.

Until next time,