Exhausted

I haven't written lately. I have mostly been writing in my journal when I need. Although that's not why I haven't Blogged. My computer is broken right now. I can't afford to fix it, or to buy a new one. I can blog on my phone. That's what I'm doing now, but it is a lot more work.
So if I write here, for now it will just be small thoughts.
My thought for today is that I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm trying to get excited about life, but am not succeeding. I have trouble getting to sleep at night lately as well. It's off and on, but it seems like night is when I think about Cameron the most. He died over a month ago, and I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice. I wish I could see more of him in my dreams.

Loss

I think I'm doing this blog entry wrong. Not all of them, but this one. I don't have a particular subject to write about. I want to write about Cameron. I want to talk about Cameron, and I want to tell stories, and remember him. I want to cry because I don't have him anymore, and I don't want to explain myself. I also want to smile, and be happy.

I missed Cameron when we broke up. I felt like my heart was breaking, but at the time, I knew it would heal. Our friendship was helping it heal. When I had the miscarriage and lost my grandparents, my heart was also breaking, but he stood beside me through everything.

The thing with a broken heart, is that they heal. Sometimes differently, but they always heal. I have many past relationships gone bad to prove that. I'm still healing from the deaths, and it will take a lot of mending to get through the loss of Cameron.

I had a lot of trouble doing things alone during that time. I felt panic every time I had to leave the house. It saved me that Cameron was there. I guess I attached myself to him in a way. I felt safer when I was with him. It probably wasn't the healthiest relationship because of that, but it helped me. People called me courageous, but the truth is, Cameron was my courage.

It wasn't until I moved back to Saskatoon, that I started to feel more brave. Now, I have no choice but to deal with everything on my own. I don't consider that brave either. It's not courage (or being a hero). It's life. If I learned anything from the past, it's that I can't just stop. I have to go to work everyday, and I have to take care of myself. It also helps that my friends and family are constantly checking in with me. I can let them know how I'm feeling at any moment.

Writing is going to be healing. It has to be. I don't want to hold anything in, and I don't want to get to the point that I did in the past. That point was when I couldn't get out of bed, and I didn't want to face the world. So I will be writing here, and in my journal, and to Cameron, and in any way that I can. I'll try to keep up with my fiction writing as well. I'd guess escaping my own reality might be a good idea every once in a while. Even with Cameron, I couldn't get out of bed at times. Now I'm going to be getting out for both of us.

I've been getting 'panic attacks' lately. I've had them before, but it feels like they're coming more frequently. I put it in quotations because I don't know that it's actually panic attacks. I do know it's another thing I have to work through.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Monday tomorrow. It means I have another week to get through. This one is going to be more busy than others. Good thing? I'll let you know.

Until next time,
E

Everything happens for a reason?

When I had my miscarriage "Everything Happens for a Reason" was the thing I heard the most. I absolutely hated hearing it. I didn't see the reason, and I didn't get why people thought that saying would make me feel better. I didn't understand why I would accidentally get pregnant, only to lose the baby. I didn't get it.
And then I thought about Cameron. He came to me when I was pregnant in 2008. And when I told him my theory that he was my reason, he thought he was my reason after I lost the baby. We both agreed. And then at the end of August 2011, we broke up. It was horrible, and something I never wanted to imagine. Life without Cameron was not anything I had ever prepared for. I did it. He lived in Whitecourt, and I in Saskatoon. (We had planned to live separately as a couple, but ended up living apart broken up). I called him a lot after we had broken up. He was the person. The person I called to feel better, and to smile, and to laugh. It  didn't change. It wasn't as frequent as the months continued, but it still happened. I knew who could make me smile. I knew who I could tell anything to.
We hadn't seen each other since September. I had gone to Whitecourt to pick up some of my things. I stayed for three days. He worked during the days, but we saw each other at night. The day I left, we went for breakfast. Before I got into my car to head home, we hugged. It wasn't enough. I knew it was our ending. I asked for another hug. I knew we would be friends, but was heart broken that we wouldn't be more.
Until then, I had hoped he would be my 'Mr Big'. A man who someday would realise it was me he loved, but didn't know it. I stopped believing that. Mostly because it got more and more unlikely. We were better as friends. At first, talking to him was hard. I wanted to move on, I didn't want to love him. When I say love, I don't mean 'in love'. I mean love. With my whole heart. I don't know what 'in love' means anymore. I know that he was somebody I was scared to live without. He was a best friend.
I realised that I didn't want to stop talking to him. I didn't want the distance. Cameron and I talked about twice a month. Not a lot. It turned out to be not as much as I would have liked, but he was busy and I was busy. Real life of a separated couple.
We spoke in the middle of December. I told him a story about not fitting into any of my dresses. He laughed his head off. His infectious laugh. I know people constantly talk about infectious laughter. I'm sure they are correct. But Cameron... he had it. We caught up on life. He told me about a girl he met on line. I was jealous, but I hid it. I gave advice. We hung up.
I texted him later to let him know that my job had become permanent. When he texted me back to say he was happy for me, I didn't respond. I don't know why.
We texted again after that. We were making arrangements for when he came home for Christmas. I wanted to see him on the Thursday he got home. Or Friday. I was so excited to see him. Catch up in person. Hug in person. Be friends.
The day he was supposed to be coming back I texted a friend who was getting a ride back with him. I had suggested she speak to him about a ride. She was going to come back to Saskatoon with him. When I texted her to ask how far they were, she told me he wasn't there yet. She had called his phone, and a constable had answered. He told her he would send officers to her house. She thought it was a joke.
It wasn't. Cameron was killed in a car accident not even 20 minutes out of Whitecourt. He was headed to Edmonton on Wednesday. He was going to pick up Brittany (from Edmonton) the next day, and never picked her up. Nobody knew until the cops went to her house. They told her not to tell anybody. She wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts. I knew, but didn't want to. I was at work, so called Denise to comfort me... or to find out the truth. She found out the truth, and came to my work to get me. I can't get that day out of my head.
I don't know how to get through this. I also don't know why people think the saying "Everything happens for a reason" is of any help at all. My reason is gone. And I hate to say that out loud because it makes me sound depressing and out of solutions... but that's what I feel.
I'm not saying I won't move on in life. I don't know where I will move on to, and I don't know if I'll find that 'love of my life' I've always thought I would find. But I'll keep going, and I'll learn how to laugh at all the things I once thought were funny... But I won't be the same, and I'll always try to figure out why things happen for a reason. I thought I had it all figured out... but I don't know.
I'll be writing again. It's not like the entries after my miscarriage. I wrote them about a year after the fact -as with the deaths of my grandma McCrea and my grandfather Burton. This is not even a month after the fact. I found out he died on December 22nd. So in this case, any writing I will be doing will be direct healing. Hopefully.
We weren't a couple, but I loved him. And I miss him, and am still trying to get this. Why it happened? Why he isn't here? Why I couldn't have one more hug?
I'm publishing this now.

Warning of what is to come

I'm not writing a big post right now. I'm just basically writing to say that I will be writing. I don't know when, and I'm not sure it will be about what it should be. I have a lot to say, and I've had to deal with a lot of sadness lately. If you've read this from a start, I guess that's not a shock, but more has happened.

I am sad, and I'm confused, and I'm trying to figure out what is next for me. How to get through this latest big thing.

I'll write more some day.