Friday, December 28, 2012

Defined by Now

I've been meaning to write this entry for a while. In fact, for so long, that I really feel like I should write out what I want to say first. I have more than one thing I want to talk about, and I'm worried it will end up as it always does, all mixed together with no real start or ending, or point. That being said, I didn't write it down, so looks like I'm going to be consistent at least.

I need to change things up in this blog writing. The reason I started writing it again was for one reason only. I thought miscarriage was a taboo subject, and I wanted to talk about my experience, and make it not taboo. I wanted to share my pain, my depression, my learning, and my growth from my experience. 

It felt good to put it out there, but things changed. It went from a blog about miscarriage to a blog about my past. That's fine. It's my blog, and my life (as the blog title says), but I sometimes forgot to focus on the good, and the healing I was doing. 

I told the story from my miscarriage on, which included a year from hell with death and depression.  I was stuck in the past in my writing, and I don't know that it was doing me any good. I'm sure it was. I have yet to read the past blog entries (mostly because I don't want to go through it again right now, and also because I don't want to catch all the grammatical and spelling errors I know are there).

I tried to be uplifting (at times) and talk about how much better I was. Then I moved to Saskatoon, and things were looking better. Except Cameron and I broke up, and while I was still dealing with that, he was killed, and frankly, I feel like in the past year and a half I've been through a lot. Add the other years that I've been writing about sadness, loss and depression, and you get one depressing blog.

So I'm sorry to everybody who has suffered through this with me. I'm also sorry to myself because I feel like I've done this wrong. Yes I needed to talk about how I was feeling, but I can't DEFINE myself by sadness and loss. I've been through a shit time, and in my opinion, had to deal with more than I think is fair. I'm not the only one. Bad stuff happens all the time, you just need to look at the latest school shooting for proof of that. What those families are going through -worse than anything I could even imagine.

Things happen, and not for a reason. They happen because of choices people make. And it is what I want it to be, or I make it out to be that will be the outcome. And I no longer want to be defined by the crap in my past. I want to look at my present and future. 

More at the present though. I've never really  been very good at that. I feel like too much of my time has been spent feeling sad about the past, reminiscing about the past, or pondering where I'll be in the future. It's a waste of time. I don't know where I'll be in the future. I make choices in a second, and probably won't even feel the same way as I do today then I will in the morning about life. The present however... that's right now, right here. I know there are times in my life that I haven't worried about the past or the future. I think most of those moments were spent traveling, when I knew I would never be there again.

I'll never be here again either. I need to define myself by right now, not by the tragedies of the past (or future). 

In that same mind set, I'm done with anniversaries of the past. I will always remember Cameron. That won't change. I don't need his death anniversary to be sad about losing him. I know when it is, and that's it. If I do decide to do something, hopefully next year it will be writing with no drinking. As I've frequently learned, drinking away pain, mostly gives you added pain in the morning, and the older I get, the more I realize how unhelpful it has been. HOWEVER - the drinking thing is a topic for a whole other day, but believe me, I have some things to say about it.

I'll still be writing, and I'm sure the past and the future will come up, but hopefully in a way that helps me deal with things better, and maybe people can learn from my past. (how not to deal with death...)

Okay. That's it for now. I plan to ring in the New Year writing. I'm sure I'll write a blog entry that night, but it doesn't matter to me what kind of writing, as long as that's what I'm doing somewhere around New Year. I'm going to define myself through my brilliant writing. (Not in the blog... this blog isn't brilliant, it's me, grammatical errors and all.)

Until next time.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

October

"October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month! Let's take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. Baby loss is still a taboo subject.  Break the silence. "


Honestly, that's all I'm going to say about it right now. It just feels like I should put this up because the statement I agree with is that it is a taboo subject, and it is good to mention. I didn't change my status though because I hate anything preachy on my status. Even if it's something I care about. Also, I'm pretty sure October is a month for so many different things... I kind of feel like there shouldn't be a month for this, people just shouldn't be scared to talk about their experiences. Including me. Which is why I started this blog to begin with.

This has been THE longest month. I'm exhausted, and I've had a bit of a bad weekend, so I really shouldn't be writing right now. However, the month will be over on Wednesday (thanks goodness), and I promised myself I would write this weekend. It's taken me all day, but here I am -writing. I planned to read and write all weekend, and haven't done either one until now (after midnight on Saturday.) I haven't really done any writing for most of this month though, and I'm feeling pretty guilty about that. I'm also trying to figure out how I've been keeping myself busy. Why wasn't I writing?

The person that I am currently in a long distance relationship with comes back for a visit at the end of November, so I have a feeling November might go pretty slowly as well. I start volunteering next week though (once a week), so hopefully that will help the time go quicker.

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel that I'm very good at long distance relationships, although maybe I'm just not good at relationships in general. I'm not very good at communicating at times. Or ever. Letting things out, isn't easy for me. In life, in my writing, in my fiction. I get things out matter of fact type, but am not good at saying how I'm feeling, or putting emotion in my writing. It's something I need to work on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on the long distance thing, I'm just admitting I am not very good at it. Once again -that's all I'm going to say about the relationship thing. It's part of my life, so I want to mention it, but I don't want to talk too much about it. Especially for the reason already mentioned, if I can't tell him what I'm feeling, I'm not going to tell the world. (Haha... or the two readers I have...)

I was thinking about the miscarriage the other day. It seems so small now. It took me SO long to get over it, but really part of the reason it took me so long was because I didn't deal with it for such a long time. I didn't know how to deal with it, and I didn't understand it. I still don't really understand it, but I have dealt with it (for the most part), and it feels like Cameron's death was harder. Also, I guess I wasn't just dealing with the baby (fetus) loss, but also the death of two grandparents that year.

However, when Cam died, I had learned from my past mistakes of not dealing. I made sure to let people know when I was sad, get counseling, and not be 'fine' if I wasn't. Now, 10 months in, it's still hard. I don't talk about it as much because it is ten months in, but the truth is, I miss him. I wish my friend was around to call and talk to. Things weren't always perfect with us, but that's why we weren't together, and just friends in the end. Maybe I'm sick of talking about it. I feel like all I do lately is whine about missing him, or about missing long distance boyfriend (because I really miss them both -in two completely different ways).

So, that's it for now. I've done my annual Miscarriage Awareness entry.

Hopefully next time, I will have a better and more grateful attitude. :)

OH OH... speaking of the grateful thing. We had our first snow fall last week. I should have written then! So great! My favourite day of the year.

E




Sunday, October 07, 2012

Thanks Givings

It's been a while since I've sat down and wrote an actual blog post. I don't know why. Laziness? The inability to describe my thoughts? The inability to figure out what I'm feeling and why? 

Sometimes, fiction is the way to go. Or to escape my own reality completely and read a book. (I haven't done much of that either.)

Things are about to change again. September was a bit of a write-off when considering all the goals and stuff I'm working on. I was moving, and trying to spend every spare moment with a guy who was leaving. He's gone now, and I'm sad, but that's not why I'm writing. I think I've managed to not make this a romance blog (mostly because I haven't had a lot since starting this, and when I have, it hasn't really ended well.) 

This particular relationship hasn't ended, it's just gone long distance for now... I hope anyway, we didn't really discuss the future. The longer he's gone, the more insecure I am feeling. (He's been gone less than a week, so I better get that under control as well). I also found out that I'm pretty much on edge anytime somebody I care about is driving somewhere. Doesn't take much to figure out why, but I really feel better when i know all is good.

I apparently needed to get that out. I was meaning to write about why I've been MIA lately. The last two weeks of September were spent house hopping, while waiting to move to my new house (basement suite). The house I was in, seemed to be taken over by mice, and while I'm not really afraid of mice: it turns out I am. Just another fear I can work on. Although, if I stay away from mouse infested houses, I won't really have to worry about it. Long story short, it's not easy to read and write when you are staying at two different places. So I didn't. I wrote a little at the guy's house. Actually, I'm pretty happy that I'm comfortable enough to do that. I'm not that comfortable everywhere. 

Now he's gone, and I am without roommates so I'm hoping to get a lot more writing done. 

I have also re-started my diet and exercise routine. The laziness had to end sometime. I started counting calories on October 1st, and have some how managed to last 7 days even with Thanksgiving. I've been walking a lot, which is the number one solution to calm my nerves. I just have to remind myself of that on weekends.

Next, as it is Thanksgiving, It's time to talk about what I'm thankful for. Goes with the grateful category, and I have to tell you, I have not been feeling nearly grateful enough lately. I need to stop being pouty, and start appreciating ALL that I have. Because I have a lot. I'm so lucky that my family is mine, and that we all love, respect, and enjoy each other's company. I'm lucky to have my friends near and far.

Also, last year, I was thankful to be celebrating Nehal's wedding. I'm still thankful for that, and so glad that we are friends, and she has so many great things to look forward to after her year of marriage. (And I look forward to them as well).

So that's it. Grateful to be alive because that's really what it's all about. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Shortest post ever

Goals in my 32nd year.

1) Write a book.
2) Learn how to cook healthy, and make soup.

That's it.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Goodbye 31

I'm going to be 32 in two and a half hours. I don't really think 32 is old anymore -I don't know what is old. I do think that even though I've done a lot in my life I'm proud of, I still have so many things I think I should have at this age. I think I should be able to afford a car. I should be able to live alone. I should have written something meaningful by now. I should have somebody to love me, and of course, the thing I think is so important, and every birthday it feels farther away is having kids. Interesting how I didn't even want kids 5 years ago. Now for some reason, I'm stuck in the mind-set that kids are a defining thing in life.

I am so proud of myself. I've done a lot in my life. More than once, I've gotten onto a plane and travelled somewhere all by myself with no fear., and that's just the start of my bravery. I just haven't done any of that lately.

This past year has been all about surviving (hell, the past few years have). I haven't had a lot of time to focus on fun, and adventure, and I hope I can do more of that while I'm in my 32nd year of life. I'm proud of myself for the surviving as well, I just need a break.

So -now in less than two hours (it doesn't really take me this long to do a blog entry, I just get distracted easily), I will be 32. Here are things I want for 32.

I want to write without thinking about what it will become. I want to write for me.

I want to be volunteer. I think it'll make me happier in my job as well. My job isn't helping people, but that doesn't mean I can't help people. I will start by October.

I want to accept where I am in life. With kids or without. With somebody who loves me or without. I know who I am, and am confident. I need to stop letting the things I don't have define me.

I want to continue looking and being my best. (gym and eating healthy).

That's all. These are important, and will take most of the year to figure out (or more).

Monday, August 20, 2012

Writing

A lot has been going on lately. And I'm actually feeling pretty stressed out about it, and pretty nervous about life.

However, that's not what I want to write about. I want to write about my writing. Mostly fiction. I love writing. I have no problem writing here or in my journal, but for some reason I'm not so good at working on my novel. Once I start, the words are there, but it's the starting I'm terrible at.

I had a thought today. What if it's because I'm scared of failure. I mean, I've wanted to be a writer for most of my life (from about 8 years old). The older I get, the farther away it feels I'm getting from being a published writer. Other than short stories, I haven't been able to write it. It's FOR lack of trying. I focused on the short stories most of my early adulthood, and then I stopped writing for a while, and when I restarted it was non-fiction... and this blog.

Why aren't I writing? Why aren't I deciding my future by working and finishing the novel I've been talking about writing for years? Possible fear of failure? I mean... once I write it, that's awesome. However there's a difference between writing a novel, and writing a novel that gets read or published. I can't see myself announcing to the world, "I wrote a book!" but not being able to publish it. Writing is the one thing I love doing, and the one thing I know I can do. (ignoring the not so good grammar/spelling mistakes). Maybe the novel has taken this long because I'm afraid I'm not good ENOUGH.

Terrible thoughts right? I have made an effort most of my life to not think like that. To be positive about my future, and where I'll go, and where I'll end up. I do things usually with one goal, not to quit. I don't always try new things, but I try as many things as I can. When I do try them, I do my best and I hate when I give up. I still regret my failed bungee jumping experience. (failed as in, I didn't do it). I look back at that moment and it's a failure in my eyes. That's not saying I'll try it again, it's just saying, I should have taken advantage of the opportunity to do something unforgettable.

I've had certain people in my life at times say they're not surprised that I didn't do it (or they are surprised I've done other 'risky'/'scary' things). Those people bother me, but I guess I have nobody to blame for their impressions but myself. I mean... I think I do put on the appearance that I'm scared of life. The thing they don't realise is that being scared of life doesn't mean you don't live it... it just means you fight through the fear.

Look at that... I just figured out how to solve my problem. Yeah, I'm scared of failing at writing, I just have to fight through the fear.

Problem solved. I'll let you know when I finish writing it, and when it's published.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

A year ago

It's done. The year of me remembering what I was doing with Cameron at any point the previous year. It's done. The Banff trip with his family, the trip to BC, the move to Saskatoon, all the things we did in Saskatoon while he was visiting. 

Now is a whole new anniversary. It's when we stopped doing things together.
 http://erinlm.blogspot.ca/2011/08/break-up.html

I wrote that at the end of August, but we broke up around this time. I don't know the exact date, but I do know we were slowly getting to our breaking point, and it could have been a year ago today. It's not the last time in the year we saw each other, and it's not the last time we spoke to each other. I have those memories as well, but it was the end of us as a couple. Not the end of us as friends, but we didn't really have any more adventures together after that. So, my flashbacks of what we were doing a year ago are done. 

It slowly became less about us, and more about me finding out who I was again. It's so easy to forget. Truth be told, it wasn't a good year. I ate too much, I drank too much, I was depressed, I was broke, I made mistakes, and I had a rash. I think the rash was caused by stress and unhappiness, but I don't have proof of that. I still spoke to Cameron, and I missed him. I was slowly learning that I could do it all on my own (and that I always could).

It wasn't until the new year, that I actually started doing things for myself, living a better life, and being happy. I don't want to jinx it, and I hate to say it because of what was lost, but it's been a good year so far. (no rash). I'm writing a lot. I'm spending time with people I enjoy, and I'm doing things by myself if I don't have friends around. I'm me again -just a new and different me (because as I've said before, I will never stop changing).

There are still things I need to work on, and still things that I may have to continue to address (possibly my whole life. ) I'd love to just be happy all the time, and never feel depression creeping in. However, I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's something I have to fight for (or fight against), and I will. I'll also continue to win. I kept myself really  busy this weekend (which may be why I'm so exhausted this week), and I know it was in defense of myself. Instead of sleeping all day, I went for walks, went to plays, and got out of the house. More to that story, but I don't really feel like going into it yet. (or ever).

Anyway, this is not an anniversary to celebrate. It's just something that happened a year ago today (or close to), and I think the year following it has been such a roller coaster of events and emotions. I'm hoping for life and emotions to slow down a little. Let me enjoy it.

To the next writing project...

Saturday, August 04, 2012

A good ending!

I hate bad endings. That being said, my books will probably not be uplifting endings, but not bad either. (I'll let you know if I ever get to the end). Either way, last blog entry was not a happy ending.

So, even though I don't know if anybody who read it will come back and read again, just to let you  know, this morning, I got out of bed. I socialised, I cleaned up (showered, shaved my legs, washed my hair), and I had a cup of coffee.

I had a friend cancel plans to Fringe with me. So I came by myself. I brought my 'new-to-me' laptop, and I've been watching street performers, eating delicious street food, looking at things I'd love to buy, and I even went to a hilarious play by myself. Also, I'm writing. I've stopped at two pubs (one patio, one rooftop), had a beer in each, and have been writing. Things are good. My heart is light.

That's it. Back to writing, and looking like an eccentric writer. Got my head phones in as well, so I'm happy as hell.

By the way, the break from fb, is only half in effect. I'm not so good at the quitting.

Friday, August 03, 2012

Taking a break

Some generous people (Cameron's parents), gave me a notebook computer that they don't have a need for anymore. This was the nicest thing ever, and I still am shocked and happy with this gift. So now, I can write at home. I can put my memories and photos here, and take care of my music.

Here are some things that I don't want to do: I don't want to waste my time on Facebook when I could be writing. I've made a lot of changes in my life, but here's the big one. Enough with fb. I'm actually getting frustrated with technology in general. I'm constantly checking my phone to see if I've got texts, or emails or phone calls (rarely phone calls). Why, when I need so much to be happy with who I am, and what I'm doing for me, does it bother me so much when I don't hear from people. I suck at independence, but am working at it.

So -I think I'm going to try to take a break from fb. Maybe go on once a week. I don't need to know what every body in the world is up to, and they don't need to know what I'm up to. I don't need to check Cameron's wall to see if anybody wrote anything. It's their memories, and it has nothing to do with me. They're writing to him because they miss him. I don't have to check my crush's Facebook to see what he's been up to (especially since he rarely updates). I don't need to make plans through fb. That's what my phone is for.

I've done this before -quit fb for a certain amount of time. That's not really my plan. I just need a break. I need to focus on reading and writing, and fb is getting in the way of that. (so is Pinterest). Stumble Upon, on the other hand, actually takes me to quite a lot of resourceful pages about writing. So I'll continue with that one. I'm not going to make any big announcement on fb, letting people know my plans to take a break. It's getting ridiculous. My 'fans' will find a way to contact me if they need to. (I don't know if I need to explain the 'fans' comment, but I'm not really that egotistical. I just think that I update my status and put pictures up for these people -they're friends, but still, it all gets taken too far.)

So, I will still update my blog because I find that to be pretty important lately. Plus I have to update on all my improvements in being a better person. I emailed somebody about volunteering today.  The thing about the blog is I feel like if I say something on here, I may follow through more than if I write it in my journal. (And while writing it on fb is actually helpful, the blog seems more low key.)

Okay. Going to read now. Then write. And then, I'm going to bed. I've had kind of  a long day, and I'm not feeling very well. I also feel like I need a good cry. I'll skip that and just have a good weekend. (starting tomorrow).

Actually. The truth is, I don't feel like I'm doing so well. I feel like I'm not fighting as hard as I should be right now, and maybe the depression is winning. I let it get the best of me today and tonight. Possibly the last couple of days. Tomorrow -I will win. And I'll also stop saying tomorrow and just say now. There's no point in making plans for the future if I'm not going to work on the today.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Awesome

I had my yearly review yesterday for work. It was all good. I don't need to go into it, but basically my boss said I was still doing great, and told me about the annual upcoming raise. (Also my first raise, other than the three month raise at the start). Basically, I was feeling pretty good. Sometimes I get frustrated with my job. It seems slow, and at times, I wish I had a job that actually helped people. As I've made mention before, I've been a bit concerned about money as well. None of that is really important because I can deal with it. That's what people do, they deal with things.  Either way, it gave me a bit of relief knowing things would stay stable for the time being. (Also, made me realise that my anxious need to go somewhere, see something, and do something new would have to hold off for a bit).

I was telling somebody about my review, and he said it's always nice to be told we're awesome. He was right, but at the same time, today, the happiness has worn off a little, and I haven't been feeling awesome today. Maybe that's a good thing. It's not. Feeling not awesome, isn't really good, but somebody telling me I am or am not awesome, doesn't really make a big difference unless I'm feeling good about myself. (Not that I don't like being appreciated.)

I feel like I've been falling short on things lately. These ups and downs are getting fucking ridiculous.

So long blog short, I need to do things for myself so I can feel awesome. Here are things I need to do:

  • As mentioned in my last blog entry, I need to write. I'm so sick of thinking of myself as a writer, and imagining myself with a published book. Either I do it, or I don't. I'd like to do it. So while blogging and journalling, are great, I also need to work on writing for publishing. I don't know how, but try try again, right?
  • I really need to get less lazy. I was doing so good with exercising. Three to four times a week was my goal, but this summer it's gone down hill. Not going to the gym is fine, but I need to exercise somehow. I don't want to go back to how I was. I've never felt more happy or confident when I knew I was exercising and doing something healthy for myself. I went on some nice long walks on the weekend, and felt great. However, I haven't done enough this week. (As I write this, it's pouring rain out, so the gym would be a good idea for tonight if I didn't already have plans.)
  • I need to go back to eating healthy and saying no to crap. No need to go further with this one. I know how I've been eating. While it's fine to cheat sometimes (because refusing deliciousness is depressing), I need to decide specifically when I can eat bad, and when I can't.
  • I need to budget. I've already started, but my god... I'm 31. If I don't learn soon, I'll never learn. Now is the time. (for everything).
  • This one is something that's been on my list for quite a while, but I'd really like to volunteer. I was worried I wouldn't be able to because I'd have to get a second job, but that's sorted now, so I should find somethign I love, and volunteer.
  • This is my last one, and it's hardest to explain. I need to learn how to talk to people about how I'm feeling. When I miss Cameron, I write it here, for the world I don't know to read (or passively for people I know to read), or I write to him in my journal. What I don't do is say it out loud. I could tell so many people, but I worry that they'll think I'm not getting over it, or see me as less strong than I should be. If I'm feeling sad because my friend died before Christmas, I should be able to talk about it.
That being said, I do miss Cameron, and that's a constant. I wish with all my heart that I could phone him, tell him about my day, and listen to his advice (that I most likely wouldn't have asked for). I want to tell him about new friends, my new relationship, or gossip about old friends. But I can't. And that's tough as hell.

Okay, I should go. I'm running out of things to say, and have other things I need to do. I need to start working on the awesome, feel good list.

The time is now. (I really wish I'd stop saying that, but it just seems to fit absolutely everything.)

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Goals

I've decided to bribe myself with my fiction writing. It seems absolutely horrible that I have to bribe myself to do something I love, but I am a procrastinator, and I've found what will be a solution. As I wrote a while ago, my laptop (notebook computer) crashed, and will not be revived. This is one of the reasons I've had such a hard time writing. As great as having a journal is, I'm not a fan of writing fiction in the journal. However, I'll have to do that for now. And to 'reward' myself for writing, I'm going to save money for a laptop. I'm paying myself to write. Everyday I write, money will go towards a new laptop. Hopefully, this will work because I'm sick of calling myself a writer, and then not writing. I need to stop saying I'm going to write a novel, and write a novel. Now is the time.

That's it. I have more to say, but that's it for right now.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Miss my best friend

I think this says it all. I found this on Pinterest, and it was too good not to post. The link from Pinterest was http://www.polyvore.com/tumblr/thing?id=25678037 . I don't like to post things unless I know where they come from -especially on here.

I really liked it, and it really hit home.

I don't really have a  lot to say right now. I don't have the time today. I notice my blog is getting a lot of hits through Stumble Upon. I quite enjoy Stumble Upon, but can't figure out what category my blog comes up in.

Oh well.

Until next time,
Erin

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

100

I think I should organize my thoughts before writing. I never do though. Sometimes I scribble short form thoughts on a piece of paper. In fact, I still have the one from the last entry in front of me. I should throw that out.

For lack of a better title, this one is called 100 -because it's my 100th entry since I started this blog many years ago. I've been on and off ever since. Mostly on for the past few months. We all know why. (unless you just stumbled upon this blog entry.) I'm sure I'll get to 200 in no time. (haha... maybe?)

My trip to Whitecourt was as I expected... an emotional effing roller coaster. I was up and down. I'm  hoping I appeared to be mostly up because I was. That was the plan -don't let anybody in. I know -great plan for sanity. The good news is, I'm essentially telling the whole world now (the whole world reads this right?), so I only bottled it up the weekend. Also, it's important to note that I was not a sad sap the entire weekend. I had a good time, I just had 'teary' moments. I was more up than down -which is the only way to live life.

Strange that my year anniversary in Saskatoon was spent in the place I left a year ago.

I decided to leave work 20 minutes early on Friday so I could get the rest of my things packed, and go to pick up my wedding/road trip date. I had just said good bye to a friend, and was packing up my purse when I got a text from Cameron's mom. She told me something about Karmen that made me smile, followed with news that Cameron's house had sold. I knew it was up for sale. When it happened, she told me how hard it was to do that final step. Even though she told me how she was feeling, I didn't get it. Until she sent me that text on Friday. Everything stopped for a moment, and it's all I could think about. Cameron's house isn't his anymore because he's not coming back.

So, I quickly said goodbye to everyone else, and headed out because I knew I was going to cry. Luckily I had my huge sunglasses on to hide it from the world. I'm actually not sure when the last time was that I just let myself cry about what I've lost. I know it's good to cry, but sometimes, I'd rather smile and continue on. Fake it. So I got as much out as I had time for, and went to pick up my date.

Sometimes, I feel like I'd like to tell him how I'm feeling. There were so many times on the weekend, that I just wanted to let somebody (him) in. The moment never seemed right. I didn't tell him I was sad about the house selling, and I didn't tell him when we passed the spot Cameron's accident happened -either time. That highway stresses me out. It makes me sad and scared and confused about how it all happened. It makes me angry as well. That's a lot of emotions to have while driving. Probably things I should have said out loud.

Either way, I made it. I gave him the tour of Whitecourt, including the sold blue house. The wedding was a nice and happy event, and as usually it was lovely to see old co-workers and friends. (the ones I hadn't deleted of facebook -that was awkward). I had one emotional moment at the reception, but it was fine. I was fine. That's what I do... I get through it.

It was nice to visit the town, and see it through somebody else's eyes. I took him to all the important spots -my favourite restaurants, the river, my condo, the wedding spots, all my past jobs, and the strip club... all very important to see while in Whitecourt. The only thing we missed out on was a walk on the trails and a tube down the river, but there was really no time at all for that.

That's done. Now I'm trying to get back on track with my eating well and exercising. So far, I've had something to do on Monday and today, so have not made it to the gym. It's on the list. Along with work on my novel.

In other news Taste of Saskatchewan is on this week, and it makes me love this town. The weekend break from Saskatoon mixed with all the fabulous summer events are what I needed. Although I wouldn't mind another break to someplace new. It's on the list as well.

Okay. Gotta go.



Thursday, July 05, 2012

Restless

I'm getting that feeling. The restless feeling. I'm sorry to any friends from Saskatoon reading this because usually when I get this feeling, I start looking at other places. I can actually guarantee that's not going to happen any time soon -unless I win the lottery. I heard you have to buy tickets to win the lottery, so I'm out.

I'm trying to make Saskatoon my home, but at times I just have the urge to get out and see what's left in the world. I'm flighty. It may or may not be a good quality. It's probably because I'm coming up on my year anniversary here. It's freaking me out. I love it. I love my family and friends being close, I love my job... I just feel like I'm missing out on everything else. It used to be, when I felt like this, I would just plan a trip somewhere... but I'm trying to dig myself out of debt (I will not be speaking about this other than the 'I'm broke whining'), and vacations don't help with that. I felt this in Whitecourt, but it was different. I over-stayed my welcome in a town I didn't enjoy. I was there too long, and it was my own fault I didn't leave.

Long story short, this feeling isn't anything new, it's just something I'm feeling right now. I'm very much looking forward to any sort of trip out of Saskatoon, just for something new. I went to Biggar, Saskatchewan with my family yesterday, and loved driving on the highway, and hanging out at the small town pizza place.

Now, speaking of my year anniversary, I'd really like this next year to be full of fun, and not full of drama... in fact, that's my one goal right now. More smiling and laughing, less worrying. Less roller coaster of emotions would be freaking fantastic.

I'm headed to Whitecourt this weekend -actually tomorrow night. Unlike last time, when I went up with my mom, I am feeling no stress at all, and quite calm about it. It helps that I was reminded last time of all the things I enjoyed while there, and I'm also going up for a wedding. Wedding's aren't sad events. I'm going up with a certain somebody who I am not willing to speak about on this blog yet. I am excited to make the trip with him, and share the beauty of Whitecourt with somebody. Also nice to have somebody to dance with at the wedding (until he discovers what a bad dancer I am.) It will be nice to spend time with him and my old co-workers from the radio station. All in all, it should be a great weekend, I just need to find time to see everybody who won't be at the wedding.

Also, getting out of town may help with the 'restlessness'. Even if it's back to the place I left a year ago.



Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Tooth ache/Heart Aches

I just found a wonderful quote from Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery. I'll write it, and then go on to the normal stuff... life.
"But Anne, a broken heart in real life isn't as dreadful as it is in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth...though you won't think that a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there were nothing the matter with it."

I just found it interesting. I could probably quote L.M. Montgomery all day long. She's brilliant.

Will write more later.

Friday, June 29, 2012

So much to say...

It will have to wait until another day though.

I've just run out of time. Just know... I've been meaning to write.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Important things people say

I've been trying to write down things people are saying to me lately that stick with me, or things I hear. Not things on the Internet: Facebook or Pinterest. As well meaning and nice as some of those are, I can just repin it and be done with it. This is real people saying things that inspire me or ring true. I just have to remember them now so I can share them. I have three for today. They all have stories as to how I heard them, but the stories aren't as important.

Before I write anymore, I'll just apologize for the bad sentence structure/grammar. I've been getting up early to go to the gym, and haven't quite gotten used to morning yet. I have no excuse for all the other entries with the same problem. Other than, it's my blog, I'll mistake if I want to (like the song). Also, this may take the whole morning to write, as I'm at work, and I'm actually pretty busy. Unfortunately, it's when I'm busy, that I get the urge to write about random quotes/things.

I think I'll start from the most recent and go backwards. This one came from a 4-6 year old (I have no idea how to tell the age of kids). I was at the park with my friends and their kids. (because it would be pretty weird if I was there alone.) We were playing around, as there were not a whole lot of other people there. There was monkey bars, and some other strange spinning monkey bars. They were a circle, you grab on, spin to the next one, and grab on to it... repeat repeat. I decided to try it. (even though, I can touch the ground... barely). This little boy came over to help me out. (I didn't know him). He told me how it worked, and I got ready to go. Then I asked him, "What happens if I fall?" I was expecting him to tell me it would be okay because I was landing on wood chips, and it wouldn't hurt. Instead he said, "Then you try again." I realise this analogy isn't exactly new. We've all heard it ... 'try try again'. For some reason it means more when it comes from a kid. They don't really know fear, and if they do, they shouldn't. All I'm saying, is if you need advice... go to a five year old. They'll tell you the honest truth, and won't stop to care what you've been through or why you're afraid. I feel like even though the actual task has nothing to do with the advice I got, I should share how I did... I have no upper arm strength. Lesson learned. I did make it all the way across, just had a bit of trouble with my landing.

The second bit of advice/thing that stuck with me came from a 31 year old man. I'm getting advice from children to adults. This particular advice has a story, but I'm not really going into it. Suffice to say (suffice it to say?), there was something I wanted, and wouldn't ask for it. Finally when I did, he commented and said, "Don't be shy. If you want something, take it." It's just interesting how that simplified everything. I hate asking for help, I hate asking for things, and I am much better at waiting and hoping than actually doing. Maybe it's the year for more doing, and less hoping. I'm glad that we had the conversation. He seems to know me well enough to suggest that I get over my shyness. (Or, get over myself). Anyway, that one is short and to the point.

The next one wasn't something somebody said to me. I have a friend who did a documentary about a hockey player killed in a head on collision. Obviously, car accident deaths strike a bit of a nerve (I can't even watch them on television). While speaking to one of the hockey player on the team, the player said, "Tough to have a bad day when you have a team-mate who can't play anymore." (I'm para-phrasing). Perspective from a teenager -or young adult (not sure again). I wrote that one down and put it on my desk. I've had too many bad days, when I should be having good days. All it takes is a bit of an attitude adjustment.

So... get up and try again, take what I want, and stop having bad days. Recipe to life? I think so.

E









Thursday, June 07, 2012

Tributes

I am lucky. Some days I forget that because of the ups and downs in the past. I am lucky that I have so many great people in my life, and so many great role models.

Two of those role models are my Grandmas. My Grandma McCrea was my favourite person - hands down. Nobody could beat her, and I think I'm safe in saying a lot of people felt that way. She was always there for me, she listened to me, and gave me advice. She was a strong and confident woman. I can only hope I turn out to be like her. As I've already written about, she passed away a few years ago, and it was a devastating loss for the entire family. She lived life to the fullest, and lived a good long life full of laughter and family.

Grandma Burton was also strong. In my opinion, she did more than most woman aspired to at her age. She met my grandpa at University, and graduated with a Geology degree. I think that's pretty cool. I'm not sure how long she worked in the field, she eventually settled down on the farm with my Grandpa and did what she loved. She raised her children, and taught them how important family is. Grandma Burton never minced words. She said what she thought, and expected greatness from her kids and grand kids.  She was proud of us. Grandma is my only living grandparent, but she's had Alzheimers for a number of years, and it breaks my heart to see her lose her memories. She's still fighting though, and is still a strong and stubborn lady.

If I'm half of what these two woman were, I'm well on my way to the greatness Grandma Burton expected from me. They passed their fierceness on to the next generations.

This year, I have been lucky enough to participate in two events fighting for a cause of the diseases that have taken them from me.

My mom, my sister and I walked in "The Walk for Memories" in January this year. We raised money for it, and than walked for Alzheimer's research. I had many people support me and donate money for my cause. It made me happy, not only to be able to do it, but to have the support and back up to help me raise money and do the walk. (I am forever grateful to my support network).

On Friday, I will be doing the Relay for Life. This is my second time doing it, but I have a feeling, this one will be great. I'm walking with co-workers, and have already bought a Luminary in memory of Velma McCrea (my grandmother). Once again, so many people have donated money for my fundraising, and it just feels so good to have the help in doing this. 

These are both great tributes to two of the strongest women I know.

I'm still trying to find a way to make a tribute for Cameron. I'll know it when I find it. His family asked that donations be made to World Vision. I haven't done that yet, but will. There's got to be more though...

I don't know. Those are my thoughts for the day. I just had the need to write, so I thought I'd talk about my inspirations: Velma McCrea and Joyce Burton.

Until next time.

Friday, June 01, 2012

Super Hero Status

I was sick last week. I posted that already. I wrote on the day I was feeling most sick, and most... whiny. I was frustrated, and not just because I found out that I don't have a super hero immune system. (Although, that's still bugging me). I was upset because being sick is something I was not able to control.

Lately, I've been all about getting control in my life. I like to know what's going on with me, and I like to have a plan (if only a day at a time plan). I didn't like my weight and how I was feeling about myself, I started counting calories and going to the gym. Granted, I had already begun to lose weight before that, but I've learned a lot about how much control I have over my weaknesses. The same goes for my mood. If I'm in a bad mood, I work on getting out of it. Sometimes, it takes longer than I'd like to get that black cloud away from me, and sometimes I know I need time to feel sad, or mad, or anxious. Then, I move on. Life is just so much better when I'm happy, and knowing that makes all the difference in the world. So long story short, when I got sick, and wasn't able to get rid of it with pure will-power, sleep and vitamins, I was really frustrated.

So not quite super hero last week, but close enough this week.

I'm better now. I didn't do it on my own though. I had to get a prescription to solve my ear infection -however, it was obviously pure will-power that fixed the rest of it... it just took a week longer than I had planned.

This may be way I have such a hatred for the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." I feel as though I'm the one who makes things happen, and when it doesn't go the way I planned, it's just because crap happens. If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change your outlook, and deal with it. I could go on forever about things happening for a reason, and what those reasons are, and they all sound like stupid life lessons, that have more to do with me, and not Divine intervention.

During my week of feeling sorry for myself and being sick, I wasn't able to go to the gym. This week, I've made up for it. I went for an hour on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and loved almost every minute of it. I found it very therapeutic this week. It was a time to get lost in my thoughts and my music, and not worry about other people at all. I can't wait until Monday when I go for my next week of therapy :)

That's it. It's been the longest week ever, and I've had things going on in a lot of different areas. I've been feeling anxious about certain things, but I'm dealing with it, and if it's anything worth sharing, I will. Work has been crazy busy as well, but I'll be honest, I love the chaos!

Until next time.

E


Friday, May 25, 2012

Sick

I haven't written for a long time, and when I have, I haven't written about anything I've said I was going to write about. So, long story short, I probably won't. If I haven't yet, it's probably not going to make it in. I've been very sick this past week. I've been kind of angry about being sick as well. Mostly because I thought I was immune to all that. Not sure why I thought that, but I was pretty sure of myself. So much so that every night when I went to bed, I was positive I'd wake up feeling better. I started that on Monday. It's Friday. Every night my sleep got worse and worse. Last night, it really felt like I had no sleep at all.

So I'm leaving work early (at noon) and going to a doctor. Trying to do the positive thought thing, but now I have to go hang out with sick people in a waiting room. (I'm one of them.) Oh well, if it will make me better I'm all for it.

And... I win for the most boring blog entry ever. Cause I have nothing else to say. Sick... going to be better by tomorrow with the help of medication, and life is good otherwise.

I'll have more to say next time. Or I won't write.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Reminder to myself...

I realise that putting a 2 in the title of a post should mean there is a 1 some place. I thought there was a first, but it says A World Without Strangers.
I don't feel like changing either of them, but thought I would mention that I see it looks strange. I probably should have confirmed that before hand.

Also, I did some more research, and I'm writing it here because I have it on a piece of paper on my desk, and KNOW I will lose the piece of paper. My blog has two anniversaries: June 2006 is when it officially began. August 19th, 2010 was when I started to take it seriously, and began writing things that I was scared to write about -and frankly, scared to speak about. So I will be celebrating both those blog-o-versaries when the time comes. Not sure how. We'll have to wait and see... This is my reminder post for myself. (We'll see how that works.)

Until next time,
E

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Kindess of Strangers Part Two

Mother's Day was this past Sunday. If I was in the gratitude mode, I would love what I have, and appreciate the fact that I am who I am because of my mother. (I am who I am because of myself as well, but you know what I mean). I truly believe parents are huge influences in what their children become. It's not always the case, but it is in my situation. I've ALWAYS had the support of both my parents, and my mom is quite possibly the best person I know. I will aspire to be as good of a mom as she is to my sister and I. (if the chance comes).

That being said, sometimes I forget the gratitude bit, and I wallow.  The reason I wallow is the same reason I started this blog. Unfortunately, the list has grown. The number one reason is because I'm not a mother. I want to be. Some day. It feels like the chance is getting farther and farther from me. This day makes me think of my grandmothers. One passed away the month before Mother's Day, the same year as the miscarriage. If you've read this, you know, but it's still hard. My other grandma is in a nursing home, and has been very up and down this year. She's my mom's mom... she shaped my mom. Something else, that I'm sure will be obvious. Those moms who have lost children. I can't even begin to imagine what a hard day it was for Cameron's mom. She and her husband are wonderful and loving people, and I can't imagine what they are going through. What I've been through -does not compare.

So, I was having an "I'm feeling sorry for myself" day. I try not to do that very often, but it does happen. I went to sit by the river with a book and my journal. It was a beautiful day. (Beautiful enough to give me a sunburn). Everybody was out. Families, kids, couples, singles. I got myself a hot dog (I couldn't resist), and sat down to call my mom. After hanging up, I was still feeling down, and this guy came and asked if he could sit on my bench. (That's right... I called it 'my bench'.) I said yes thinking he was just going to sit, and I'd put my headphones on and continue my moping. Instead, he talked to me. He asked me about the hot dog I was eating. (PS, not that comfortable eating in front of strangers at all, never mind a hot dog )... He asked me about my life, what I did, history in Saskatoon, what's fun to do here... He just moved here, and wanted to learn more about it.

I don't remember being annoyed. I may have been a bit at the beginning, but I enjoyed talking to him. I also enjoyed getting out of my head. He didn't realise the impact he made on my day. We talked for about an hour, and then he gave me his phone number so we could go roller blading together (I don't own roller blades). I took it, and he went off to enjoy the day. At no point did he hit on me, or say anything inappropriate. He just wanted to talk, and maybe thought I did as well. It's the 'old school' way of meeting people, before the silly Internet. I guess it just goes to show that the people on the dating sites (myself included), say they don't know how to meet people, but maybe they just don't try very hard.

I don't think I'll text him. That's not really important. What's important is that for a moment, I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and my day immediately got better. Sometimes I feel like I should give myself moments to feel sorry for myself, and feel sad, but then I realise how much better it feels to be happy.

That's it.  Strangers. They're good.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Need You Now

I've been deleting texts lately. I don't need to keep them all, and most end up being deleted once we pass 200 messages anyway. So I guess I was attempting to save my phone's memory, as well get rid of things I don't need (if only I did that with material things). There was one group of messages I wasn't prepared to delete. My last couple of conversations with Cameron. I haven't deleted him as a contact either. I don't want his picture to disappear. (although not only is it his fb picture, but I took it, so I have it to look at in many ways.)

Every once in a while I pull up our last texts. I'll either smile, or tear up... or both. On Monday I was doing my usual purging of messages, and I tried to delete the first on my list. Instead I deleted my last contact with Cam. Three days later, I'm still upset about it. The message wasn't anything important. Mostly us discussing meeting up when he came to Saskatoon for Christmas. A bit of joking, a bit of Erin and Cameron. Now it's gone. Just like him, and my heart occasionally breaks all over again at the loss.

I've been listening to the song "Need you Now" by Lady Antebellum. Sometimes on repeat - because I'm a dork. I feel like it fits sometimes. I think Miss you Now is more appropriate in this situation because the whole point of my life seems to be that I can do it on my own. I shouldn't have to 'need' anybody. Although, I have a pretty big support system, and life would be pretty hard if I didn't have them. Anyway, listening to this song probably doesn't help my mood, and forces me to think about how much I miss him.

Cameron's mom described grief as a roller coaster. Very good description.

I know this entry is kind of all over the place, and I still haven't written about my trip to Whitecourt. I will. I'm not sure if I'll have time to write about it today though. I'll just say this, Whitecourt was home to me because of Cameron. I believe that with all my heart... BUT I've been unfair to Whitecourt, and the friends I've made there. I got a chance to catch up with co-workers and friends while in Whitecourt, and I was reminded of the other things that made this place good. I hold a lot against Whitecourt because of what I went through while I was there, but I forget that it also holds a few people that helped me out when I needed it, and are still there to help me out when needed. I feel like this needs to be said. I was stuck in a haze of unhappiness, and going back with a fresh view, and the even need to have gratitude, I was able to see things clearly.

Also - my mom was with me for this trip. She helped me. I hate to cry in front of people (although, I do it a lot). I hate to have people realise I'm not strong, so mom being with me helped me stay strong. (less breakdowns).

More on the trip later. I'm on my lunch break. Have to get to work now.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

The Court of White

I'm going to Whitecourt this weekend. I'm going with my mom because I honestly don't think I can do it alone. I need to check into my condo and make sure my renters are still good.

I've been losing sleep and stressing about this for days. It hit me last night, as I was writing in my journal to Cameron, that I'm about to see the last place we hugged. The place we said goodbye for the last time (except I didn't know it was the last time). I will probably walk past his house. I won't go in (because it's not mine), but I know I'll walk past it. We will drive past the place on the highway. The place. I don't know exactly where it is, but I have an idea.

Everything in Whitecourt is memories of Cameron and I. I thought I was stressed out before, it's just building up.

I hate losing it in front of people. I hate crying in front of people -including my mom.

I HATE not being strong, but I've somehow lost all my strength these last few days, and am left with a tension headache, a pain in my chest, and tears.

I'll write when I get back.

Monday, April 30, 2012

No blogging today... or week possibly

I don't feel like I'll have the time or the energy this week to blog. I also don't feel like it's going to be the best week in the world. I know I have to NOT feel that way to make it better, but sometimes... it's hard.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Writing Writing Writing

I have taken too long of a break, and I miss writing. For some reason, this last couple of weeks, I haven't really been reading or writing in any form.

I must get back to it! I'll be writing more next week. I've got quite a bit to say, I'm just trying to get it all organized in my head. First topic will be new goals, and second will be dating or non dating as the case may be. There are many more things that will be talked about, but that's it for now. It's been a very busy week at work, and I LOVE IT! I really love my job, but mostly when it's busy and I get to write all day.

So... back to work, and will talk to you on Monday. (By the way, I don't really know who 'you' is... but I just had a friend tell me she was happy that I keep this blog up. Made me feel very nice. So thanks!)

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Katimavik

I'm taking a break from the usual blog entries, and changing things up. I want to talk about Katimavik. It was just eliminated from the government's budget, and I've been meaning to write about it since I heard this. I'm hoping to write it here, and send a letter to my local MP. (or anybody who will listen). I plan on cutting and pasting this to a few different places.

I was lucky enough to be involved in Katimavik in 1998. I graduated high school at the end of June, and headed off to a program I knew very little about in August.

Here is what I knew, and what I told anybody who asked me 'Where is Katimavik?' First of all, it's not a place. Katimavik is a government-funded program. 11-13 (I'm not sure of the exact amount. I can't remember anymore, and it changed) youth (aged 17-21) from across Canada live together in a house in three different provinces, doing volunteer work in the towns we were staying in. (That's one rotation. There are a lot of different rotations all across Canada). I was going to Glovertown, Newfoundland, Carlton Place, Ontario, and Baie St Paul, Quebec for three months in each place.

That's all I knew. I didn't know anybody else that I would be living with, I didn't know what kind of volunteer work, and I had no idea what to expect. It was also the first time I had travelled by myself. I think getting on that plane from Saskatoon to go to Newfoundland (with a layover in Toronto), was probably one of the bravest things I've done. I was young. I was naive. I was shy and timid. I hadn't really experienced life outside of my small town of 200.

I found an ad for Katimavik in a teen writing magazine I had. Even then I had aspirations to be a writer. I'm still working on that. It was early 1998 that I found the ad. I remember showing my mom, and thinking, "I could do this!" It was an exciting prospect because up until then, I didn't know what I was going to do after high school. I always knew I'd go to University, but I wasn't ready yet. I didn't know what I wanted to take, or what I wanted to be when I grew up... other than a writer.

So when I was 17, I boarded a plane all by myself to Gander, Newfoundland. There are certain moments in every one's life that have changed them. Changed the direction in life they were taking. The question always comes up... "What if I had never done that? What would my life be like now?" Of course, you never really know the answer. I'm sure life would be different.

I've had a lot of those moments. I'm not going to name them because I'm only here to talk about this life changing event. Katimavik. Without it, I would have been very different. I wouldn't have met the friends that I still talk to today. I wouldn't have fallen in love with Canada and with travel.

I wouldn't have had the opportunity to see all that I did at that stage in my life, and I'm not sure I would be able to afford to otherwise. Yes. The government helps the participants and gives them a chance to travel. That's not all though. We don't get a 'free trip'. We WORK. And work hard. We volunteered for different places in the communities we lived in (Monday to Friday 9-5), and got paid an allowance of 3 dollars a day. We received 1000 dollars at the end of our 9 months. (This is in 1998, the amount of money and amount of months have both changed). Food and housing were paid for, but we had a budget for EVERYTHING. We didn't go over the budget, and we made sure that we got everything out of what we were given, be it trips, seeing places in the province we were living in, learning new things, or trying new things. We had bunk beds with about four girls to a room. (And four guys to a room, if not 6).

As for the jobs, in Newfoundland, we worked at Terra Nova National Park. We helped build a boardwalk in the park.  I helped at various times with those jobs, and also worked at the Marine Centre. A young girl from Saskatchewan got to give tours, and tell people about the sea animals in the touch tank. We painted a scout's cabin one weekend as well.

In Ontario, we all worked at different places. I volunteered (and worked all day) at a daycare. As did a few others at a different daycare. Some worked for the Arena in town, and did manual labour. (I don't know exactly what they did because I only worked at the daycare).

In Quebec, we had a variety of different jobs, and unfortunately, I don't remember them all. I worked at a Women's Centre and helped with child care, with cleaning and cooking, and spending time with the women. Another participant worked at an art studio. Everybody had a job, and we were at times able to choose a job that we hoped we'd be interested in for the future.

We also billeted for a week in each province. It was a time to live with the locals, work with them, and learn about how they live. In Newfoundland, I stayed with a family with another participant. We worked HARD during that time. For the family mostly. Worked in the little village we were in doing mostly manual labour. We spent time with the family. We lived with an older couple, their daughter, and her two children.

In Ontario, I was billeting at an old folks home. The family lived in a house attached to it. I helped clean and cook all day every day.

In Quebec, I billeted with a wonderful bilingual woman who was a baker. I woke up, and went to work baking with her for the week, and helped cleaning out a house.

In all places we stayed, we stuck with them for a week. If they went somewhere, we went as well. They were family -if we were lucky.

We also learned. We had classes of sorts. We'd get people in to teach us relevant things that would hopefully help us in our futures. We had French classes, budgeting classes, and towards the end, we worked on resume building and cover letters, and so many others. We had life lessons that could never be in a lesson. We learned to live with one another. There were some relationships. In our case, none of them lasted too far past Katimavik, although at the time we probably hoped they would. It was a year of 'firsts'. I would have had these 'firsts' at some point in my life, but this was life changing. I learned about myself, I slowly started to change, and see things differently. I cared about different things.

We travelled the provinces we volunteered in. We climbed mountains, kayaked in oceans, saw Niagara Falls, Toronto, Ontario, Quebec and Montreal. We saw things and were able to see culture that most of us had not experienced.

I am 31 now, and I'm still changing, and still trying to have experiences that reach outside my comfort level (a comfort level that expanded like crazy because of Katimavik). I believe we never stop changing, but without Katimavik, I wouldn't have learned it quite as quickly.

Since Katimavik, I've kept in touch with almost all the participants (thanks to facebook). We've met up again at weddings, and kept in touch if we were going to visit one another's province. One of the other participants and I travelled to Thailand and Taiwan together about six years after Katimavik.

We've all changed, and we've all grown up since Katimavik. Going into Katimavik we were young, and coming out of it, we were still young, but had already learned so much about ourselves, about life, about money, and about one another.

I've done a lot of great things in my life, and Katimavik is on that list. As for the reason I'm writing this, the government has just cut the funding for Katimavik. After the rotation is done, it's over. Unless people can write letters and let the government know what a great program this is. How it changed your life, and how it will change other's lives. Because it will. And it did.

I'm not sure how to end this... Save Katimavik!!

Erin

For more information on Katimavik: http://www.newswire.ca/en/story/951143/katimavik-sets-the-facts-straight
and: http://www.katimavik.org/
And if you have your own stories: http://www.katimavik.org/node/add/testimonial

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Miss Him

I miss Cameron. Missing him isn't a new feeling. It's kind of a constant. I missed him before he died, but all I had to do was call him or email him and tell him. It just hits me every once in a while. Hits me all over again, that I won't be talking to him again. I sometimes relive the day I found out he died. I remember waiting at work to have it confirmed. And I fight back tears. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't.

I'm fine with the fact that I still feel this way. I don't really share it with a lot of people, but I don't hide it either. I miss my friend. He was my family for three years in Whitecourt. I no longer have him, Karmen (the dog) or Rolo (the cat). It's shocking how different my life is now.

How do I get through this? I breath. I write. I give myself the time I need to feel bad about my loss, and about his family's loss. Then I continue my day.

I really am happy with the way my life is headed right now. I'm doing things that are for me, and me alone (exercising and attempting to date). I just wish I could share it all with him. In person, not writing him letters in my journal. I hate that I make wishes like that because they aren't going to happen.

That's it. I miss him.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

More changes or goals...

I said in an earlier post that I was going to begin going to the gym. I have. I decided to stick to the Elliptical until I get more into shape, and then I will focus on weights or strength training. The first day (Monday last week), I was on it for 20 minutes. The next day (Tuesday), 30 minutes. 20 minutes was tough, and 30 was hard as well. I play Dodge ball on Wednesday, and had plans on Thursday, so I went back on Friday and did an hour on the Elliptical. The last 30 minutes were HARD. The last 15 minutes were TERRIBLE. I did it though.

I took the weekend off. Even going so far as to have a Baconator from Wendy's. I learned a lesson while sitting at home with an upset stomach that night from basically a burger full of grease. Exercise is not the only thing I need to change. On Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market, and bought green and healthy food. I also downloaded a Calorie counter/exercise app. (Myfitnesspal.com).

I began using it on Monday. At 9am, somebody came out of the work kitchen and announced there was cheesecake. First of many times I am going to have to resist. I recorded all my calories, and by the time I got to the gym, and did my hour on the elliptical, I was feeling good. I felt a little like I had cheated the system by giving myself more calories.

Tuesday, however, was harder at the gym. The last 15 minutes, I basically hated everybody. (Mostly the people who weren't sweating profusely or smelling like they needed to wash their gym clothes, and were making the whole gym going experience look effortless). I left once again, feeling proud of myself. For my newest life changes and choices. Finally, going into my 30s, I'm making healthy life choices.

Today, I have Dodge ball, so there will be no gym. My last Dodge ball game (ever, if I have anything to say about it). I really am not enjoying it like I hoped I would. I'm more of an exercise on my own person. Especially because I have not been able to get the throwing, dodging or catching down.

I'm planning four gym trips a week, and every day of calorie counting. (1200 calories a day).

I don't think I ever explained why I'm doing this. In November/December of 2011 (last November and December), I was at my very highest weight ever. I had decided not to buy a dress to my Christmas Party, only to find out the day before while trying on the dresses I have, that NOT ONE fit. I had gained A LOT of weight.

Since Cameron died, I've lost 15 pounds. I don't think this is anything to be proud of. It was unhealthy choices, and no appetite that caused the weight loss. Now - I am making changes. I plan to lose a bit more weight, and then maintain it by eating well and exercising. I've gotten this far by accident, I just need to keep it up. I'm pretty focused on making this happen. I hate to give up, so I hope that trend will continue into exercising and calorie counting.

By the way -I have never dieted in my life. I find it extremely sad. Counting calories makes eating a lot less interesting. I have started eating three meals a day though, which I haven't done for years. (For a while after the New Year, I was only eating one meal a day.)

So... here's to more life changes for me. It's never ending.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Birds?

I feel like posting, but I don't want it to be about anything very personal. I was feeling a bit insecure about the last entry. It felt like too much, too much detail, too much about something that did not just involve me. I had blogger's regret... I did talk to my friend (and writer advice giver/encourager) about it, and she thought it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. (not in those words.) So I'm leaving it up for now, but once again changing my approach.

I won't really be focusing on the online thing like I said I would, unless it's very important because as I said, that's about two people. Not just me.

Once a long time ago, I used the title 'Do One Thing a Day That Scares You'. Or something along those lines. At that point, I was referring to blogging, and writing about my life. That doesn't scare me anymore. For more than one reason, but mostly because I don't think a lot of people read this. I may be wrong. It is something open on the Internet, but it just feels like my main supporters read it -and I am okay with that.

It means, I have to find something else that scares me, and I have. everyday I've been facing my fears and walking underneath a bridge in Saskatoon by the river. It's covered with scary birds. Pigeons I think -but it really makes no difference. My heart stops every time I hear them or see them move. It's a strange fear, but if that's my biggest problem, life is pretty okay.

So, once again, I need to thank Lulu Lemon, for their great inspiring words (I'm not thanking them for the overpriced clothing). I do agree with you should do one thing a day that scares you, if not to get a little bit out of your comfort zone. It's a pretty good feeling. Hard to do all the time though. I've been jumping out of my comfort zone like crazy this week... birds, gym, date.

That's it. Just thought I'd write a quick entry. Now, I have to work.

E

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The continuation of the new me

Starting Monday, I am going to start using my gym membership. I finally got it sorted out, and now I will start going. My one and only goal this year is to do things that make me happy and do things for me. This is one of the many.
My relationship slash non love life is going nowhere. I'm not giving up on that either, but spreading the focus around a little. Maybe I'll start a humorous dating blog... probably about online dating because I haven't figured out how else to date.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Gratitude

To continue on with my happy/inspirational life, I'm going to write about the great things that have happened this week. I might try to do this once a week. Not everyday... while I'm sure I could do it everyday, I don't actually find it to be good blog material. The week started off kind of slow with good things. I was a little bit down a couple days. That's life right? The important thing is to somehow get away from the sad feeling. The weather has been gorgeous ALL week. I've now gotten rid of my Winter jacket, and have been wearing only hoodies for warmth.

I'll start with Sunday because it was actually a pretty great day. I spent it with my mom. We went to a play with my sister and aunt (after having lunch). The play wasn't the best I've seen, but wasn't terrible either. It was a Simpson's/Macbeth mix -all done by one person. After that, my mom and I went to the Brier finals with my roommate and her friend. She got the tickets from her work, and was nice enough to share. I went on Tuesday with her as well. (not my mom).

Monday is actually kind of a haze, although something that does stand out is the fact that I woke up cheerful, and was fine with the fact that not only was it morning, but the weekend was over. I think it's my new room. I don't have curtains so block the sun, so I wake up to it. (or get out of the shower to it, as the sun isn't quite awake at the same time as me (yet).

Tuesday I wore a skirt. Not that exciting? Doesn't matter to me. It was nice enough that I could walk to work in my skirt. LOVE!!! Also, I should mention I have been walking to work by the river, which means going underneath a bridge that has a HUGE amount of scary birds. So I've also been facing the same fear everyday. Facing fears is good, and I also like the scared feeling. As long as it goes away. So far, so good, but I'm sure the birds will realise how scared I am of them soon.

Yesterday was another beautiful day. I was a little sluggish in the morning. Worried about things that I have no power over. I had a therapy appointment in the afternoon, and then walked back to work from it. Those appointments help. It's like my time, to talk about what I need to, and to relax if I need. Although, I think my  next appointment is my last for a bit, so I'll have to learn as much as I can from it. The day got even better though. When I got back to work, I was asked if I wanted to go to a Darious Rucker and Lady Antebellum concert. The answer was OF COURSE. I can definitely say, those two are my very favourite country artists, so it was a wonderful time. My roommate was my date for the night. She enjoyed it as well, which is great!

And today... it's only half way through, but I've just been feeling so happy about the week, and about my light heart. I'm also going to hang out with one of my best friends tonight, and her two gorgeous little boys. I'm looking forward to that. Oh and I have a great appreciation for the fact that I'm not allergic to peanut butter. Nothing is better than a Nature Valley sweet and salty peanut granola bar in the morning. Heaven!

I won't be doing another one of these until next week I guess. I'll throw in a thing I'm already excited about for tomorrow. Free lunch! The best sandwich ever made. (well it was the last time). And I do have plans on Saturday, but I'm not sure how secure they are, so I'll just hold off on talking about it.

One other thing... I decided last month to start dating again. I've been seeing somebody for less than three weeks... not a long time, and I'm not really sure at the moment what's happening with it. I don't know where it's going, if anywhere, but it's fun for the moment, and I'm glad to give it a go. Brave face.

So all these great things are small and probably insignificant to many, but to me, they've made this week into a wonderful one. This trend is going to continue.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

It is what it is?

This will be a short post. Being that I'm in the inspiration type mood lately, I thought I'd write down my latest thought. I've heard a lot of people say "It is what it is." They say this as a reason for life, I guess. A reason that things have not turned out the way it was expected.

I call it an excuse. I hope that I never have to explain to my children that the reason life has been unfair to them is because 'it is what it is'.

Instead, I will be telling them, "It is what you make it out to be".

That's my thought.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Smiling and happy and stuff

It's been a while since I wrote. Mostly because my computer crashed, and I haven't fixed it yet. I've been writing a lot in my journal, but miss blogging.

First of all, I'm feeling good. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad all the time, and I'm learning a life lesson that I should have learnt a long time ago: It's up to me to be happy. When I feel myself sinking, and feeling sad at the way certain things turned out, I just have to stop and breathe, and think about all the great things I have in my life, and all the great things I hope to have in my life.

Gratitude. I was beginning to learn about this before Cameron died. Sometime in the fall, after we broke up, I think I realised that I was the only person who could keep myself going, and hopefully happy.

I momentarily stopped after he died. I wasn't sure how to survive or get through it. I knew I had support with my family and friends, but it didn't stop the fear of not being able to get through the pain. I got through it. This isn't to say I'm not still sad some times. I lost somebody who was a huge part of my life, and who I am pretty sure I would have stayed friends with as we grew older. It's tough, and I will miss him, but I need to focus on myself more than any sort of pain. I have a lot of good memories that I can be happy about with him, but not only that, I will have a lot more good memories in my life as I continue to grow.

I don't give myself enough credit. As one of my friends pointed out, it wasn't just Cameron who helped me get through that terrible year. I got myself through it. I was lucky to have him, but I need to take credit for all that I've accomplished. I pulled myself out of the depression, and nobody else. Cameron was a rock, and I will be always be happy that he was there for me, and I'll always be grateful that he was there. However, moving back to Saskatoon and the break up was the best thing for me, and the best thing for him. I started to gain back my independence, and started to realise that I could do it on my own.

So, I guess the point is, that I'm getting through life, and working on keeping the best attitude I can have. I am stronger than I think I am, and probably stronger than others give me credit. Some people. I know which ones think I'm strong. They sometimes have more faith in me than I do. I love having a light heart, but have to work at it some days.

Until next time,

Erin

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A good day

I just thought I'd write a quick update. My Valentine's Day was not terrible. I have no romantic love in my life right now, but I have a lot of love.

I had a good day, and I'm so very happy about that. I plan to have more. I went for coffee with a friend after work, and then went out for supper with my friends. (My best friend and her husband). The two who will always be there no matter what.

I don't have much else to say, I just think that this should have happy thoughts as well. Things don't always have to be bad, right? Sometimes, I can smile, and I can laugh, and I can enjoy life.

E

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Good Ol' Valentine's Day

I've never really been a fan of Valentine's Day. It always seemed like a silly holiday. It's nice to let the people you love that you appreciate them. I do enjoy getting flowers. It's hard when you're alone. It's even harder now. I got Cameron a card every Valentine's Day because I loved finding that perfect card to let him know how I feel. Hallmark really does have a card that says it all -you just have to look for it.

I don't remember all of our Valentine's Days. I remember last year. Cameron had to work in the evening, I think. He drove me to the flower shop, and I waited in the car while he bought me flowers. I think we had lunch at Soban (the Korean restaurant in town) first, and he tried one flower shop, and they were out of flowers, and then we went to another, and he bought me perfect and beautiful flowers. We stopped for blizzards on the way home, and when we got home shared them with the pets. I have a picture of Karmen and Rolo with ice cream all over their noses.

This year it's just me. It would have been anyway, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've done V-day alone before. I've done the single thing (and quite well). I know I'll be able to handle this day. It's not really the most important holiday in the world. Getting through this day means I'm one step closer to getting through the next holiday that I have spent with Cameron in the past. They'll all be hard, but at the same time, I guess I'm lucky that for the past three years, I have gotten to celebrate moments of time with him. I will get through this day, and all the rest with the memories that we've made together.

That's it. I wish everyone love of any kind today. I've got friends and family full of love, and willing to share -even if they have a Valentine. Lucky me. :)

These are the flowers from Cameron -Valentine's Day 2011.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

How Are You? ...

I find it extremely annoying to blog on my phone. So I'm doing it on my lunch break at work. Which is also a bit annoying because my job includes me staring at a computer all day, and I probably should be doing something other than staring at the computer on my lunch break.

Oh well. I've been thinking about this entry for over a week now, so I better get on it.

I was reading something the other day. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where I was reading it because for the first time ever, I didn't automatically write it down and send it to myself. It's just something that has stuck in my head.

I read that the thing people say that is usually a lie is "I'm fine." This may not be true. I have no idea, but I agree that it's so easy to say "I'm fine" instead of going into all the reasons you aren't fine.

I have a lot of people asking me how I am. I sometimes just say fine because I get the feeling they don't actually want to know my answer. I tell others how I actually am. This isn't to say I don't appreciate the question. It tells me that people care enough to ask, and I am so happy about the ones that are happy enough to take the time to hear the actual answer.

The truth is, I haven't been doing very well lately. I've been incredibly sad, and while I do have moments that I laugh and smile, for the most part -I'm sad. And I want to tell people that when they ask me how I am. I don't want to mislead them. At times though, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be fine, and I should be over it, or dealing with it better.

I guess I felt the same after Christmas. I had so many people ask the usual question, "How was your Christmas?" It was impossible to lie about that. I did not have a good Christmas. I was happy to be with my family, but I was so sad. It took me until 2pm to get out of bed on Boxing Day. That's not something you tell the well wishers though. They don't want to hear it.

I really do miss Cameron so much. I'm fighting every day to figure out why this happened, and what I can learn from it. Obviously, I haven't figured that out yet. I can learn from things Cameron did during his life -his carefree style of living. Cameron was always laughing at things, and could find the humour in a lot of things. I saw his parents last night, and they reminded me that he wouldn't want us to be sad. He'd want us to laugh, and laugh and laugh.

I've been going to a grief counsellor. I've only had two appointments, and have one more at the end of the week. I'm not sure yet if it's helping. I'm sure it will, I just have to be patient. (Anybody who knows me, knows I'm not patient). The last session I had, left me feeling so down. I've been in a sad funk since I went (a week ago). All I want to do is cry, and of course, I haven't. Well -I've cried, but not to the extent that I'd like to. Getting out of bed, and going to work have actually been saving my life. The need to make money to survive is helping me survive. To quote my friend James:

"the depression will take a long time to get over...but you have to get out of bed...that's the key. its like being a shark...you have to keep moving other wise you'll drown."

He has a lot of advice, and words of wisdom that I'm trying to remember and writing down. Luckily, it's all through email, so it's hard to forget.

Anyway, it's now 12:59, so I'll do a quick spell check and then get to work. I'll probably write another entry on the weekend or next week.

E

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Maybe tomorrow

The title is also a song. I hope to write tomorrow. I just wrote about some of my reads in my book blog, so I can't really write anymore. Especially on this tiny phone. I really miss my computer.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Exhausted

I haven't written lately. I have mostly been writing in my journal when I need. Although that's not why I haven't Blogged. My computer is broken right now. I can't afford to fix it, or to buy a new one. I can blog on my phone. That's what I'm doing now, but it is a lot more work.
So if I write here, for now it will just be small thoughts.
My thought for today is that I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm trying to get excited about life, but am not succeeding. I have trouble getting to sleep at night lately as well. It's off and on, but it seems like night is when I think about Cameron the most. He died over a month ago, and I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice. I wish I could see more of him in my dreams.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Loss

I think I'm doing this blog entry wrong. Not all of them, but this one. I don't have a particular subject to write about. I want to write about Cameron. I want to talk about Cameron, and I want to tell stories, and remember him. I want to cry because I don't have him anymore, and I don't want to explain myself. I also want to smile, and be happy.

I missed Cameron when we broke up. I felt like my heart was breaking, but at the time, I knew it would heal. Our friendship was helping it heal. When I had the miscarriage and lost my grandparents, my heart was also breaking, but he stood beside me through everything.

The thing with a broken heart, is that they heal. Sometimes differently, but they always heal. I have many past relationships gone bad to prove that. I'm still healing from the deaths, and it will take a lot of mending to get through the loss of Cameron.

I had a lot of trouble doing things alone during that time. I felt panic every time I had to leave the house. It saved me that Cameron was there. I guess I attached myself to him in a way. I felt safer when I was with him. It probably wasn't the healthiest relationship because of that, but it helped me. People called me courageous, but the truth is, Cameron was my courage.

It wasn't until I moved back to Saskatoon, that I started to feel more brave. Now, I have no choice but to deal with everything on my own. I don't consider that brave either. It's not courage (or being a hero). It's life. If I learned anything from the past, it's that I can't just stop. I have to go to work everyday, and I have to take care of myself. It also helps that my friends and family are constantly checking in with me. I can let them know how I'm feeling at any moment.

Writing is going to be healing. It has to be. I don't want to hold anything in, and I don't want to get to the point that I did in the past. That point was when I couldn't get out of bed, and I didn't want to face the world. So I will be writing here, and in my journal, and to Cameron, and in any way that I can. I'll try to keep up with my fiction writing as well. I'd guess escaping my own reality might be a good idea every once in a while. Even with Cameron, I couldn't get out of bed at times. Now I'm going to be getting out for both of us.

I've been getting 'panic attacks' lately. I've had them before, but it feels like they're coming more frequently. I put it in quotations because I don't know that it's actually panic attacks. I do know it's another thing I have to work through.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Monday tomorrow. It means I have another week to get through. This one is going to be more busy than others. Good thing? I'll let you know.

Until next time,
E

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Everything happens for a reason?

When I had my miscarriage "Everything Happens for a Reason" was the thing I heard the most. I absolutely hated hearing it. I didn't see the reason, and I didn't get why people thought that saying would make me feel better. I didn't understand why I would accidentally get pregnant, only to lose the baby. I didn't get it.
And then I thought about Cameron. He came to me when I was pregnant in 2008. And when I told him my theory that he was my reason, he thought he was my reason after I lost the baby. We both agreed. And then at the end of August 2011, we broke up. It was horrible, and something I never wanted to imagine. Life without Cameron was not anything I had ever prepared for. I did it. He lived in Whitecourt, and I in Saskatoon. (We had planned to live separately as a couple, but ended up living apart broken up). I called him a lot after we had broken up. He was the person. The person I called to feel better, and to smile, and to laugh. It  didn't change. It wasn't as frequent as the months continued, but it still happened. I knew who could make me smile. I knew who I could tell anything to.
We hadn't seen each other since September. I had gone to Whitecourt to pick up some of my things. I stayed for three days. He worked during the days, but we saw each other at night. The day I left, we went for breakfast. Before I got into my car to head home, we hugged. It wasn't enough. I knew it was our ending. I asked for another hug. I knew we would be friends, but was heart broken that we wouldn't be more.
Until then, I had hoped he would be my 'Mr Big'. A man who someday would realise it was me he loved, but didn't know it. I stopped believing that. Mostly because it got more and more unlikely. We were better as friends. At first, talking to him was hard. I wanted to move on, I didn't want to love him. When I say love, I don't mean 'in love'. I mean love. With my whole heart. I don't know what 'in love' means anymore. I know that he was somebody I was scared to live without. He was a best friend.
I realised that I didn't want to stop talking to him. I didn't want the distance. Cameron and I talked about twice a month. Not a lot. It turned out to be not as much as I would have liked, but he was busy and I was busy. Real life of a separated couple.
We spoke in the middle of December. I told him a story about not fitting into any of my dresses. He laughed his head off. His infectious laugh. I know people constantly talk about infectious laughter. I'm sure they are correct. But Cameron... he had it. We caught up on life. He told me about a girl he met on line. I was jealous, but I hid it. I gave advice. We hung up.
I texted him later to let him know that my job had become permanent. When he texted me back to say he was happy for me, I didn't respond. I don't know why.
We texted again after that. We were making arrangements for when he came home for Christmas. I wanted to see him on the Thursday he got home. Or Friday. I was so excited to see him. Catch up in person. Hug in person. Be friends.
The day he was supposed to be coming back I texted a friend who was getting a ride back with him. I had suggested she speak to him about a ride. She was going to come back to Saskatoon with him. When I texted her to ask how far they were, she told me he wasn't there yet. She had called his phone, and a constable had answered. He told her he would send officers to her house. She thought it was a joke.
It wasn't. Cameron was killed in a car accident not even 20 minutes out of Whitecourt. He was headed to Edmonton on Wednesday. He was going to pick up Brittany (from Edmonton) the next day, and never picked her up. Nobody knew until the cops went to her house. They told her not to tell anybody. She wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts. I knew, but didn't want to. I was at work, so called Denise to comfort me... or to find out the truth. She found out the truth, and came to my work to get me. I can't get that day out of my head.
I don't know how to get through this. I also don't know why people think the saying "Everything happens for a reason" is of any help at all. My reason is gone. And I hate to say that out loud because it makes me sound depressing and out of solutions... but that's what I feel.
I'm not saying I won't move on in life. I don't know where I will move on to, and I don't know if I'll find that 'love of my life' I've always thought I would find. But I'll keep going, and I'll learn how to laugh at all the things I once thought were funny... But I won't be the same, and I'll always try to figure out why things happen for a reason. I thought I had it all figured out... but I don't know.
I'll be writing again. It's not like the entries after my miscarriage. I wrote them about a year after the fact -as with the deaths of my grandma McCrea and my grandfather Burton. This is not even a month after the fact. I found out he died on December 22nd. So in this case, any writing I will be doing will be direct healing. Hopefully.
We weren't a couple, but I loved him. And I miss him, and am still trying to get this. Why it happened? Why he isn't here? Why I couldn't have one more hug?
I'm publishing this now.