Thursday, October 20, 2011

Not knowing how much you miss things

I started this blog post about a week ago. I wrote the post title and than two words. Nehal and library. And then I didn't return to it as quickly as I should have.

I wrote Nehal because I recently saw her in Moose Jaw for her wedding (she lives in Toronto though). Nehal is so many things. My confident, my twin, my encourager. She's the one who encourages my writing. I hadn't seen her in about four years. The last time I saw her was the last time I lived in Saskatoon. Although we text almost every day... sometimes twice a week, we haven't seen each other in that long. She was the first person I texted (and told) when I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy to be at her wedding. It made me sad at the same time because I realised how much I missed her. She's one of my closest friends and we were keeping up our relationship through technology.

Basically, I realised that I need to make more of an effort to see her. I will be making a trip to Toronto as soon as I can. Plus getting out of Saskatchewan every once a while would be pretty great.

Library isn't so important. I got a library card, and was beyond excited because as I walked around the library my English major self came back. And I loved it. I didn't realised I missed the library until I was there. Not quite the same as the Nehal story.

Lastly, I'm starting to write again. Fiction. Not blog/non-fiction. By starting, I mean I wrote yesterday and I love it. I might not write as much here. Not that I was writing a lot.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

What is this about?

When I restarted this blog, I wanted to write about topics in my life that are 'silent' topics. Things people know about, but don't really discuss. I wanted to talk about my experiences without being worried of judgement. Or without caring because I know as well as anybody that judgement is human nature.

It's different now. I just want to write. I'm not doing very well at writing fiction lately, but I seem to be making time for my blog. I'm happy about that. Although, I really don't have a lot to say. My life is about work right now. Mostly because I don't have a lot of other things going on. I'm catching up with friends, but everybody is busy. I have lots to look forward to, but I think most of what I'm looking forward to is the unknown. That sounds a bit like a cliche... but that's fine with me. It's true. I have love, travel and career to look forward to, and I don't know what any of them will be. (I do hope my job will be a career, but it's hard to know that when I'm covering a maternity leave).

The last time I wrote, I was having a bad day. I felt close to tears most of the day. Here is the good thing about that bad day: A year ago my days were opposite. I'd have one good day out of a whole bunch of bad days. This was one day wedged between a lot of good days. I woke up the next morning (after a bad sleep) and cheered up. My walk to work made me smile, talking to Nehal made me smile, co-workers probably made me laugh, and I paid way too much for shoes at lunch time. Either way, once again, it was the little things that made me happy. Things are just so much better now than they were two years ago, a year and a half a go, and a year ago. I've slowly been healing emotionally.

I don't know what my blog is about anymore. It feels like writing about day to day feelings and issues is kind of a wasted blog. I guess we'll see where it goes. Maybe someday I'll share some fiction. (Or maybe I'll save that to be published.)

Until next time.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

I'm allowed a bad day right?

It has been one of those days. I hate having 'one of those days'. I would much rather still be as happy and optimistic as I have been lately. I'm not today.
I had a terrible sleep last night. I can't remember any of my dreams, but they weren't happy ones. I woke up with a headache and feeling very tired. The day  just didn't go anywhere from there. Even my walk to work didn't leave me with the usual happiness. That's my favourite part of the day.

I guess I'm feeling the sadness of being alone. I relied to much on my ex -as I've said. I am learning how to do things on my own. Go places without somebody by my side. It's tough, and I don't want to face the world by myself. I've been on the verge of tears all day, but HATE crying in front of people so I've fought them off all day.

My roomie is gone for all of next week, so I guess I'm going to have to learn pretty quickly how to be all alone. (only for a week though.)

In other great news, this weekend I'm celebrating my friend's marriage. I've spoken about her before. Nehal -the person who has the most faith in me in the world. I can't wait to see her!

That's it. I'll try to be more cherry next time.


Saturday, October 01, 2011

Breathing again

I've been feeling really good lately. Dare I say, happy even. I still go through moments when I am sad, and I wish things had gone differently, but I'm trying so hard not to waste too much time thinking about that because that's what gets people down when they could be happy.

I'm loving having myself back, and am finally able to just breath. I was so dependent on my ex. (I know I've already said his name in past blogs, but now I'm just going to write my ex -as in my most current ex). I'm not blaming him for me being dependent. It was so easy to do at that moment in my life because of all that I was going through. My ex saved me and helped me, and because of this I found it harder and harder to be my own person, and be the independent Erin I loved. I know in every relationship, you lose a piece of yourself. That scares me, and I lost a lot of myself. It's just the constant change people go through I guess. I have to re-find myself, and I'll probably come out of it a completely new person. For now though, I'm just going to breath and enjoy life.

My aunt has napkins in her cabin and the quote on them is this: "What if it really doesn't get any better than this?" I took one home with me and put it on my fridge. I've spent too much time waiting for things to get better. I have been learning to just be happy. Life is what I make it. And I'm going to love every moment of it. I've actually been scaring myself with all this wonderful optimism lately. Believe me, it's not always there -but I'm working on it.

I know everybody in the world is taking pictures of fall lately, but this is what is making me happy. I'm most happy in the mornings because of all the beauty surrounding me.