Sunday, August 28, 2011

The break up

You can probably guess what this will be about. Cameron is still planning to move to Saskatoon, and get a fly in fly out job. However, it won't be with me. Saskatoon has always been his home, and I haven't. I made a home with him, and now we are going our separate ways. I guess we already went out separate ways (he is still in Whitecourt, and I'm in Saskatoon). We broke up two weeks ago, and if I had written two weeks ago, I'd be writing something completely different. I was heart broken. I'm not heart broken now, I'm just sad. Sad that it didn't work out. Sad that I'm not going to get married, and sad that I'm not going to have a baby. Not that I'm at all ready for any of that. To be realistic, if that's what I'm sad about, not the actual end of our relationship, it says a lot. I loved Cameron. I gave him all the love I had, but he wasn't able to return it. We both knew it, but it took both of us a long time to admit it. There is no bitterness. Cam was my best friend, and right now he still is my best friend. I don't think we'll continue being best friends, but I hope we can stay friends. Garnet and I were going to stay friends. We didn't. This is different. I'm older, more mature, and Cameron has been the one I've gone to about everything for the past 2 and a half years.

I feel like I'm okay, but I know I'm not. I think this might be the best time to blog. Instead of hiding how I'm feeling, and just simply moving on with my life, I'm going to blog about it, and not care who reads it. I can already feel myself putting on my 'brave face' in front of friends. I'm proud of myself for getting up and going to work everyday -which doesn't seem like something to be proud of -but the first work-day after our break up, all I wanted to do was go to sleep, and not go to work. I went to work, and for that I'm proud. I guess I have nothing to fall back on now. I can't just be depressed. I can't let myself. I need to move on, and make my new life in this great city.

I am going to allow myself to be sad though. I had such high hopes for Cameron and I. I really thought we were going to make it. I may have been delusional. If I had ever listened to my nagging thoughts, I might have talked to him about how I was feeling sooner. I guess I was scared that what did happen would. I had planned out our lives, and I guess the big thing is I hate to quit. I hate to give up. Cameron hates to hurt people, and hated the fact that I was going to be hurt. It helped that I wasn't surprised he was saying the things he did. I can freely admit that while I love him, I haven't felt in love with him in a while. In fact -I don't really know what 'in love' feels like. I know I've loved, but I no longer know what it's going to feel like to fall head over heels for a guy.

I'm going to miss Cameron. He was a wonderful boyfriend (at times), and when he finds that girl he actually falls in love with, she's going to feel it, and be incredibly lucky. But I need to find somebody who is always a wonderful boyfriend. And who thinks I'm smart, and believes in what I say. Also, maybe one who will stick up for me in front of his friends.

We had so much in our way when we started dating. My pregnancy, my miscarriage, my depression, and he had his issues as well. His ex-girlfriend seemed to be along for the relationship. That was both my fault and his. We started dating too soon after they FINALLY ended, and just moved to fast. We didn't date, we had a full out relationship. I didn't trust him either. I'm not sure where that came from. Mostly myself I guess. Insecurities about myself, and him.

Either way, we both need to work on ourselves more than anybody else. I lost myself quite a bit while with him, and I need to be with somebody who completely supports me, and what I say... and somebody who doesn't care that I haven't had any major life changing event in my life. Being normal is a good thing, and if he can't see that, what can I do? (I know, I try to be anything but normal, but I'm not usually crazy.)

That last paragraph may not have made sense, and maybe should have been left in my journal, but I'm already writing, and if I'm going to use this as my therapy, why not?

I guess  I also hate failing at things. Which are always full of regrets for not working hard enough at succeeding. I know this shouldn't be the same situation, but to me it is. I was the best I can be, and it wasn't enough.

That's it for now.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Changes, changes and more changes.

I have so much to say, and so much I need to write and get out of my head and into this blog, but it won't all happen tonight. Once again, my story of the past few years is interrupted by the now. I guess, I should just have two blogs so I don't confuse people who don't actually know what is in the present and what is in the past. Although... it will all be the past soon enough.

As I may have mentioned, I had trouble finding a job in Whitecourt. I hadn't quite reached the point in the story about why I quit my job as Account Executive at the radio station. Basically, I was trying to fight my depression, and I knew the job wasn't making me happy. At all. My grandfather had died in November, and people kept talking about the passion he had for farming, and how he did what he loved. I knew then, I was lacking the passion, and the love for my job. So about five months later, my boss and I spoke, and I quit.

That left me without a job. I thought it would be easy to find a job because of my experience (in jobs and life) and my education. I was wrong. I felt like every time I went to an interview, my hopes would go up, and then... I'd be kicked back down. It may have been one of the lowest points of my life. I finally got a job at a liquor store. I worked with great people. However, I had a degree, while two of my co workers didn't have a high school diploma. The other two only had their high school. I'm not judging at all. I enjoyed working with all of them, I just felt horrible that I'd worked so hard to get all that I had, and was working at a liquor store. A liquor store that somehow managed to bring me down. I felt no appreciation or faith that I could do a good job, even though I was doing a fine job. I quickly jumped at an opportunity elsewhere -although not as soon as I would have liked.

I was interning and opping at the radio station as a second job (the interning was a free second job). I didn't have it in me to leave the station. I love radio.

I was hired at a hotel a block from my house as a front desk night auditor. It was a pretty easy job. Lots to remember, but very relaxing. In fact, I had probably blogged from a night shift more than once. I enjoyed the people I worked with, but even more, I enjoyed the faith and trust my manager had in me. It felt good to once again have people see me for the hard worker I am. (I'll admit, I'm not always a hard worker, but I'm efficient and organized, and would never slack when work needed to be done.) This job kept me close to home, close to Cameron and Karmen (my dog) and Rolo (my cat), and I was making much more than I had been at the liquor store. I could have made it work, even though, in my heart, I knew I wanted more.

One day, I received a text from a co-worker at the radio station. He told me about a job opening in Saskatoon as a Creative Writer at a Saskatoon Radio company. Saskatoon is where both Cameron and I have talked about ending up, so I thought, why not? I applied, not really expecting anything to come of it (but hoping). Cameron supported my decision. (he is a supporter of me). A few days later, I received an email back asking for an interview. (A phone interview). So I arranged a time, came home from a night shift, slept for four hours, and then woke up in time for the interview. I even dressed up for it.

She had already spoken to one of my references, and somebody who wasn't a reference, but gave me one anyway when she found out I was applying for the job. (She's in the Saskatoon Creative Writing community). They both gave me really good references. The interview -was so much like the interviews I was used to... the kind where I got the job. I had it by the end of the call (possibly before the call).

So... I'm writing this from Saskatoon. I've been living here since July (It's almost the end of August). I basically left everything to come here. Cameron is planning to get a job that flies him in and out, and then planned to buy a house in Saskatoon.

I'm done for the night. I plan to write tomorrow, and if I do, I'll write about coming to Saskatoon. The good, the bad, and the changes. Because once again, my life has gone from me knowing what was going to happen next, to having NO CLUE what will happen next. Maybe I needed this feeling -but the problem with liking that is the need to not stay in the same place for too long (or the same city).

Anyway. Until the next time.