Stress

Maybe it's just the before Christmas stress, but I'm totally feeling stressed out about absolutely everything. I'm not good with stress. I'm good with let things happen as they may -which isn't always the best way to be. I need to figure out the things I'm stressed about, and fix them. Stress does not make a person happy, and I would rather be happy than anything. I know people aren't happy all the time, every day, and frankly I am creeped out by the people who pretend to be. Some people like to be 'comfortably numb' -I love to feel things. I just want to feel them, and move on. Somehow and sometime.

However, feeling things and feeling stress are two completely different things.

I guess that's something else to add to my goals for the New Year. Deal with my stress, and fix what's causing it. I'm not going to write about all my stresses in here because as honest as I've been, I realise that it's not just my friends who are reading this, and don't need to air un-needed problems for all to read. I started this speaking about miscarriage because I felt like it was a topic mostly ignored. That doesn't mean I want to talk about every single detail of my life. Mostly because I think that would be even more boring that it is now.

And that seems like a good place to end this. Time to take a trip to my real journal -it's neglected lately.

Have a good night.

The New Year

I kind of get the whole age thing in South Korea. When I was there, I found out that they celebrated birthdays a bit different than the Western part of the world -or any part of the world as far as I can tell. I guess they still had normal birthdays but they aged differently. Everyone turned a year older in January. January 1st. I don't know enough about all the celebrations. They do have a Korean New Year as well though. They also celebrate the New Year on January 1st, and that's when everybody turns a year older. They are actually 1 when they are born, and even if they're born December, they'll turn 2 on January 1st. If I'm getting this wrong, please correct me. I remember my students telling me I was older than I was after New Year.

What I'm getting at is I understand why I'd want it this way. I'm not at all sure why they have chosen to do it this way. I just tried to google it, but didn't get an answer that satisfied me. I didn't spend as much time as I could have. For some reason, it just seems like when you turn a year older, and New Year are the time in your life when you 'vow' to make all your changes (or resolutions). So Why not make the changes New Year's day -the same day you're a year older. It's like a clean slate every year. A new age, and a new chance at changes.

In other words: I'm very much looking forward to the New Year. I am looking forward to new goals, and new experiences. I'm not doing it now, I want to wait. It is good that I'm not aging earlier I guess, but the year that aged me, would certainly give me more initiative.

This entry doesn't seem to have made as much sense as it did in my head. I'm going to publish it either way. Maybe somebody will get what I'm trying to say. I kind of doubt it though because the more I tried to explain, the less I understood what I was talking about.

I'll be writing my goals in here. Slowly, one at a time before New Year. This doesn't mean they'll happen. It just means I know what I want to change in my life. It's what I will resolve to do. (I will resolve to make the goals... and TRY to do them).

E

Good news?

I just reread my last post. Turns out my decision has been made. My job has just been offered as a permanent job. So it looks like I'll only have to start over when I choose to. I guess that's been the case this whole time. While it scares me to finally have a decided future (if I choose to follow it), it's also going to be a new year of changes. Starting next year, I'm going to make changes to help me fall in love with life in Saskatoon even more.

I realise I could start now, but I guess I'm not very original with my timing. It's not even half way to December, and I want to start the new year with a clean slate. But I do not have time to do it all before Christmas. Plus changing my diet is on the list, and I will be having Christmas supper. As much of it as I'd like.

I don't really have much else to say. However, with all the changes I have for myself, I will continue writing, and I'm not waiting until the New Year to work on a life resolution. I've been writing more this whole year. I won't be stopping.

E

starting over

I'm getting sick of starting over. I feel like I've done it too many times. I can't really complain about it because every time I've moved, it's been my decision. It just seems like every time I move to a new city or town I lose things, and I have to rebuild my life.

At least this time, I have my family and friends close to me to help when I'm feeling like a break down. (Not that I'll tell them). I am a little worried about the fact that my  job is covering a maternity leave. I know if it's not extended, that I'm going to once again, be ready to start new, which may end up starting out new somewhere else.

I guess the reason it's bugging me lately is because I was starting a life in Whitecourt with Cameron. I am always happy to not be in Whitecourt anymore. That town was making me miserable, but my house that I had made into my home with Cameron, Karmen (my dog), and Rolo (my cat). Now I have none of those things, and no longer have the home. (or the hot tub, heated garage or car)... None of those things really mean anything to me. I miss them sometimes, even though I hate to admit it. I miss talking to Cameron, and snuggling with my Rolo, and playing with Karmen. I'm fine with Cameron and I not being in a relationship -it was time. That doesn't mean I can't miss what I once had.

I want to look forward to what's happening, but for the first time in my life, I want to know what it is. I never wanted to know or care before, but now I want to know if I'll be here in a year, and if I'll still have my job... and you know... a glimpse into my romantic future would be nice as well. Husband and kids and all that. I guess I just want to hurry my life along, and I really don't want to have to start over in a new city again. I want to be happy with where I am, no matter what happens.

Anyway, not really sure that this blog was needed, or that it made a lot of sense, but I haven't had time to write fiction so I thought I better write non-fiction. I guess I have a journal for that as well.

A World Without Strangers

There's a store I went to in Korea called Giordano. A friend from Australia that I taught with in Seoul had heard of it, but I've never seen this store in Canada before or after. The store had shirts with the saying "A world Without Strangers." We both loved it. I still have a tank top with the saying. It's old and doesn't fit correctly anymore, but I love it. The saying means so much.

I haven't thought about it in a long time. It wasn't until I was trying to think of a title for this entry. I was going to call it 'The Kindness of Strangers'. But that's pretty cliche.

I had a pretty good day at work. It's been busy lately, so I've had a lot to do, and I love it. I love being busy, and feeling like I'm doing something. It slowed down late afternoon.

When 5:00 finally came around, I went to put on my boots. Nice reliable winter boots. Good for walks in snow. When I tried to pull the zipper down so I could get my feet into them, it wouldn't budge. I couldn't get it to move up or down. So I decided to just stuff my foot in -turned out to be the wrong decision because the zipper actually broke.

So I left work all bundled up with one broken zippered boot. Now, although it's not a big deal, I am the type of person that can let that ONE thing in a day full of good things bug the hell out of me. I was mad, and I was upset that I might have to buy new boots, or get the stupid zipper fixed. I was imagining the back of my foot getting a blister because it was rubbing on the back of my boots. In all reality, it was a bit uncomfortable, but not really making it a problem to walk in.

I walk all the way home along a trail next to the river. Every day. I love it. Today of course, I didn't. Hard to love things when you're content on being grumpy. I sometimes have trouble passing people. This is going to sound bad, but I find it awkward to HAVE to smile at them if I happen to catch their eyes. I sometimes just stare straight ahead, or check my phone... or sometimes I smile at them. I passed one person, and ignored the fact that I had (because I was in my grumpy phase). There was somebody coming up behind him though. An lady in her late 40s maybe. Before I had a chance to look away, she gave me a huge (and real) smile. I smiled back. As I passed her, she gestured towards the river and said, "Isn't it beautiful?" I looked. It was beautiful.

Strange how a complete stranger can put things into perspective.

And a little more about the clothes and what their view was on the phrase: "The phrase, “a world without strangers”, implies a world where neither nationalities, class, ethnicity nor gender divide people. It is a utopia that everyone wishes for. For Giordano, this widely held ideal is one of the primary ideas behind its marketing image." From: http://sacom.hk/category/campaigns/giordano

My favourite day of the year

I woke up to lots of snow. Fills me with peace and excitement.

Love it.

And here are some pictures of one of my loves.

Being a writer

It's been a while. Not a long while. I've definitely taken longer breaks between posts. I just really want to keep this up, while I try to do everything else. My poor real life journal, never gets any writing action. It's too bad. I've been writing in that for many years because I take so many breaks from it -it's literally falling apart.

October is now over. We're already into November. The months are going too quickly in my eyes. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm not really doing anything lately. Actually, my life is truly being taken over by writing (and TV). I write at work, I try to write at home, and I have really become quite an anti-social. I just solved my problem, it's not that time is going to quickly, it's that I'm not doing anything to reach my goals.

It feels like I've picked one focus, and am not dealing with the rest. I'm trying to write a novel, and I hate saying that because if it never happens, everybody I've told will know. I obviously don't tell a lot of people, but I just wrote it in my blog, so it's out there.

Anyway, even though I love that I'm writing, I know there are other things I'm not dealing with. Like the fact that I'm 31 and I still want to somehow get married and have kids someday in my life -which isn't easy when I don't even have any sort of man presence. I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship right now -I'm still healing from the last one, but I'd love to date or go on dates. I want to have some fun, and to smile and laugh. It just isn't going to happen if I don't do anything about it.

Okay, short entry... but I have to go write some fiction (calling it fiction sounds better than the hopeful word 'novel'.)

Not knowing how much you miss things

I started this blog post about a week ago. I wrote the post title and than two words. Nehal and library. And then I didn't return to it as quickly as I should have.

I wrote Nehal because I recently saw her in Moose Jaw for her wedding (she lives in Toronto though). Nehal is so many things. My confident, my twin, my encourager. She's the one who encourages my writing. I hadn't seen her in about four years. The last time I saw her was the last time I lived in Saskatoon. Although we text almost every day... sometimes twice a week, we haven't seen each other in that long. She was the first person I texted (and told) when I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy to be at her wedding. It made me sad at the same time because I realised how much I missed her. She's one of my closest friends and we were keeping up our relationship through technology.

Basically, I realised that I need to make more of an effort to see her. I will be making a trip to Toronto as soon as I can. Plus getting out of Saskatchewan every once a while would be pretty great.

Library isn't so important. I got a library card, and was beyond excited because as I walked around the library my English major self came back. And I loved it. I didn't realised I missed the library until I was there. Not quite the same as the Nehal story.

Lastly, I'm starting to write again. Fiction. Not blog/non-fiction. By starting, I mean I wrote yesterday and I love it. I might not write as much here. Not that I was writing a lot.

What is this about?

When I restarted this blog, I wanted to write about topics in my life that are 'silent' topics. Things people know about, but don't really discuss. I wanted to talk about my experiences without being worried of judgement. Or without caring because I know as well as anybody that judgement is human nature.

It's different now. I just want to write. I'm not doing very well at writing fiction lately, but I seem to be making time for my blog. I'm happy about that. Although, I really don't have a lot to say. My life is about work right now. Mostly because I don't have a lot of other things going on. I'm catching up with friends, but everybody is busy. I have lots to look forward to, but I think most of what I'm looking forward to is the unknown. That sounds a bit like a cliche... but that's fine with me. It's true. I have love, travel and career to look forward to, and I don't know what any of them will be. (I do hope my job will be a career, but it's hard to know that when I'm covering a maternity leave).

The last time I wrote, I was having a bad day. I felt close to tears most of the day. Here is the good thing about that bad day: A year ago my days were opposite. I'd have one good day out of a whole bunch of bad days. This was one day wedged between a lot of good days. I woke up the next morning (after a bad sleep) and cheered up. My walk to work made me smile, talking to Nehal made me smile, co-workers probably made me laugh, and I paid way too much for shoes at lunch time. Either way, once again, it was the little things that made me happy. Things are just so much better now than they were two years ago, a year and a half a go, and a year ago. I've slowly been healing emotionally.

I don't know what my blog is about anymore. It feels like writing about day to day feelings and issues is kind of a wasted blog. I guess we'll see where it goes. Maybe someday I'll share some fiction. (Or maybe I'll save that to be published.)

Until next time.
E

I'm allowed a bad day right?

It has been one of those days. I hate having 'one of those days'. I would much rather still be as happy and optimistic as I have been lately. I'm not today.
I had a terrible sleep last night. I can't remember any of my dreams, but they weren't happy ones. I woke up with a headache and feeling very tired. The day  just didn't go anywhere from there. Even my walk to work didn't leave me with the usual happiness. That's my favourite part of the day.

I guess I'm feeling the sadness of being alone. I relied to much on my ex -as I've said. I am learning how to do things on my own. Go places without somebody by my side. It's tough, and I don't want to face the world by myself. I've been on the verge of tears all day, but HATE crying in front of people so I've fought them off all day.

My roomie is gone for all of next week, so I guess I'm going to have to learn pretty quickly how to be all alone. (only for a week though.)

In other great news, this weekend I'm celebrating my friend's marriage. I've spoken about her before. Nehal -the person who has the most faith in me in the world. I can't wait to see her!

That's it. I'll try to be more cherry next time.

E

Breathing again

I've been feeling really good lately. Dare I say, happy even. I still go through moments when I am sad, and I wish things had gone differently, but I'm trying so hard not to waste too much time thinking about that because that's what gets people down when they could be happy.

I'm loving having myself back, and am finally able to just breath. I was so dependent on my ex. (I know I've already said his name in past blogs, but now I'm just going to write my ex -as in my most current ex). I'm not blaming him for me being dependent. It was so easy to do at that moment in my life because of all that I was going through. My ex saved me and helped me, and because of this I found it harder and harder to be my own person, and be the independent Erin I loved. I know in every relationship, you lose a piece of yourself. That scares me, and I lost a lot of myself. It's just the constant change people go through I guess. I have to re-find myself, and I'll probably come out of it a completely new person. For now though, I'm just going to breath and enjoy life.

My aunt has napkins in her cabin and the quote on them is this: "What if it really doesn't get any better than this?" I took one home with me and put it on my fridge. I've spent too much time waiting for things to get better. I have been learning to just be happy. Life is what I make it. And I'm going to love every moment of it. I've actually been scaring myself with all this wonderful optimism lately. Believe me, it's not always there -but I'm working on it.

I know everybody in the world is taking pictures of fall lately, but this is what is making me happy. I'm most happy in the mornings because of all the beauty surrounding me.

Pictures

As I was finishing up my last post, I published it, and then saw that my pageviews have just passed 1000. (1001 to be exact). I know that it's in part people who have already been here, but then checked again... but who cares. Still pretty awesome.
To celebrate, I'm adding some pictures. Of the past, of the present, but the future is still to come.

I love these two. Neither of them are with me now, but they are forever in my heart. (Yes, I am corny). Rolo and Karmen.

I didn't want to put pictures of anybody but me in here because I consider it invasion of privacy (at least on fb I have my account protected). This one is far away though. It's taken in a museum in Edmonton.

I went on a wine tour with my ex (he wasn't an ex at the time) in BC right before I moved to Saskatoon. It was a good time.

 

 

A fantastic walk in the rain.

 

 

Now, I'm done blogging for the night.

The 'to do in my near and far away future' list

This list isn't small, and I like it that way. There are things on it that may never happen, and things on it that might happen tomorrow. Things I want to do this year, and things I want to do some day. As I said, I think it's important to see what I've done in the past, and to be proud of my accomplishments, but making plans to better myself and for the future are just as important.

So here we go.

• Things I want to do in this year:
• Lose weight -eat better and exercise
• By summer, I want to be able to participate in a marathon. We'll see, but I think it's for sure something I'd like to do. If not this year, than in the future.
• I'd like to volunteer. Hoping to volunteer for something literacy related.
• Save money and pay off bills.
• Spend as much time with family and friends as I am able to because that's why I came back.
• Get a car -although I need to make sure I have a job that lasts more than a year before I can even consider that. I'm only here covering a maternity leave, so everything depends on if I have a job at the end of the year or not. I would rather be able to keep the job because it might be time for some stability in my life, but if I don't end up with one in July, then I've got the whole world open to me.
• Try to date again. I don't want to jump into a relationship, but I'm ready to just date. If something turns into a relationship, that's fine as well.
• Write. All the time. Blog, journal, and fiction.
• Do the best I can in work, life and future plans.
• Things I want for my future:
• Love. I want to be in love with somebody, and I want them to be in love with me.
• Marriage and a baby. (This isn't anytime soon).
• Travel. I want to go to so many places. To name a few: Europe by train, Ireland, Scotland, Australia, South Africa, India, Mexico... Really, every where.
• I want to visit Newfoundland again.
• I want to try scary things. Bungee jumping (I've already tried this, and decided against it when I was at the top. I'd actually be okay with myself if I don't do it.) I want to skydive. I want to try new things.
• I want to be published.
• I want to make a difference.
• I hope to have a job I love. It could be the one I'm currently doing, or something different.
• I want to make it to Toronto. I've been there, but now I have friends who live there, and I've been promising to visit for years. This may not happen in a year, but I still want it to be in my recent future.

That's all I can think of. The good thing about blogging though, is that I can edit and add things all I want. (As I keep doing with the list I wrote yesterday.)

Till next time.

The 'already done and proud of it' list

I think too much of life is spent thinking of regrets and working on the 'bucket list'. Things you wish you had done, and things you plan to do. I know I've spent too much time wishing I had made different choices, or that I had done things differently. I also spend time thinking about all the things I'd like to do. Not really goals, but things that I hope to get to do so they won't end up on my regret list. Life can't just have a regrets list and a still to do list. So I'm going to write my 'glad I've done it list'. There are so many things on that list, and it's important to remember that. I do have my things still to do list, and I think that's important, but I need to pay attention to both. Some things on this list weren't planned, just things I've done and I'm proud of.
So here they are -in time line order. (But without the times).

• Learning how to ride a bike. I was a late learner, which seems to be a theme in my life. It's the first thing I remember being proud of. I'm sure I did things before that -like walking.
• Writing from a young age. Stories, letters, journals, you name it, I wrote it.
• When I was a teenager, I submitted a short story I wrote to a magazine. It didn't get published, but that's not even important. Having the guts to submit my work was what I'm proud of.
• I was in drama from grade seven on. School drama, and in grade 12, I was in the town play and the school play. For this I am proud. I was a shy kid, and drama was a way to get it out.
• I went to a writing camp. To get in, I had to submit a piece of work. I got in. Two summers in a row. It was a chance to do what I loved.
• Graduating high school with an 80 average. Grades weren't easy for me. I really had to try, and I did (I just waited for my last year).
• Going to Katimavik. Katimavik is a program -government funded. I met up with 10 other strangers and we lived in three different provinces for three months each. It was my first 'real life' experience. Although, quite a guarded 'real life'. I met friends, who I'm happy to say I still have contact with, found my first 'real' boyfriend, and had so many firsts.
• In Katimavik -I climbed a mountain in Newfoundland
• I kayaked in the ocean in Newfoundland.
• I worked at a Marine Centre, and built a boardwalk
• I fell in love with my first boyfriend
• I toured Newfoundland -St. Johns, Gross Mourne, Terra Nova (and more)
• I toured Ontario -Niagra Falls, Toronto, Ottawa, and Carleton Place
• I got my first tattoo.
• I worked in a daycare
• I travelled Quebec -Baie St Paul, Quebec City, and Montreal
• I dealt with my first heart break (but to an 18 year old, it takes longer to heal than it should). I got over it -that's the thing to be proud of.
• I shaved my head. Which takes courage.
• I planned a trip to Montreal for the group. I'm proud of that because I was taking on leadership roles I didn't know I had.
• I thought I had life figured out, and myself figured out. (I didn't)
• Finishing Katimavik
• After Katimavik, I spent a year learning while learning more about myself. I lived in Moose Jaw with my grandma and loved getting to know her. I spent time with my best friends. I met a guy I loved and dated for another five years.
• I thought I had life figured out, and myself figured out. (I didn't).
• I got accepted to University.
• I worked at a Sobeys behind a deli counter for four years while I went to University. I'm proud of the fact that I did it with minimal breakdowns.
• I volunteered for the ambassador program at U of R -giving tours to students interested in attending U of R. I also volunteered for the Transition House in Regina.
• I thought I had life figured out, and myself. (I didn't).
• I graduated University with a BA in English.
• I got hired out of a lot of other students from a Creative Writing job at the Leader Post (the newspaper in Regina). I hated it, but I still got the job.
• I made a life changing choice. I left EVERYTHING and moved to South Korea where I knew nobody. (I had a cousin there, but hadn't seen him in years).
• I made the decision after moving there to break up with Garnet. To this day, it's one of the bravest things I've ever done.
• I met friends that will forever be in my heart. I hope to see them again.
• I learned more about myself, and was able to finally try all new things. New foods, new culture, new language.
• I went to the world famous Mud festival, spent time in a Buddhist Temple, and went para-gliding twice, and went snow boarding.
• I taught all types and all ages of students.
• I tried new things.
• I found out that I didn't have life figured out, and I had so much to learn about myself.
• I came home with the plan to return to Asia, but this time teach in Taiwan.
• My friend from Katimavik, Katie and I went on an amazing trip to Thailand and Taiwan.
• I learned how to surf, rode an elephant, got a bamboo tattoo and experienced all that Thailand had to offer.
• I went to Taiwan. I said no to the job I went there for. I'm proud of this because I came to the realization that I had to stop running away from real life.
• I came home, started over, found a place to live, and found a job (or two).
• I went to broadcasting school while working almost full time.
• I was in the best shape, and my favourite weight.
• I wasn't scared of anything.
• I graduated from my six month broadcasting course.
• I was a bridesmaid twice for both my best friends. Nice to be loved.
• I had my first job in radio. I was a Creative Writer in Melfort for CIXM. I loved my job.
• I got my driver's license thanks to a supportive boss.
• I got my first car.
• I moved to Whitecourt Alberta to take a new job at CIXM. Account Executive.
• I did well.
• I bought my first house.
• I thought I had life figured out.
• I finally attempted to have another 'real' relationship. (other than flings). It didn't work out.
• I went to Vegas with my sister. Celebrated her 30th. Saw Bette Midler and went shopping. So great.
• I learned I'm ready to have babies. (but not yet).
• I met a guy who helped me and loved me as much as he could. We stayed together for two and a half years.
• I quit my job. I hate to quit, so it was brave. Unfortunately it left me with no job.
• I survived the toughest year of my life. No exaggeration. A miscarriage and two deaths. I'm not proud of that, but I'm proud of getting through it. Although it took a long time.
• I turned 30.
• For the first time since graduating broadcasting school, I started broadcasting. I went back to CIXM as an intern. I was on air some evenings, and voice tracked weekends. I loved it.
• I worked at a job in a hotel working nights. I didn't think I would enjoy it, but I did. I also enjoyed the respect I had from my boss. Gave me some self confidence that I had lost.
• I applied for a Creative Writing job in Saskatoon for radio. I got the job.
• I moved to Saskatoon. I found a place to live, and I've started over as a single girl.
• I have participated in every thing I could in this beautiful city. Folk fest, the Fringe, the Ex, Wicked, and so much more. I experienced a great summer and fall. Some of it with my ex and some of it alone. I've made new friends, and caught up with my old friends, and am spending time with my best friend's children.

That's it. I'm sure there is stuff that I've missed, but here are the important things in my adult life. There will be more. They'll happen from a list or by accident, but they will be great. Just like my past has been.

Helping

I meant to write sooner. Of course, life has gotten in the way. Or I have. I'm trying to do a lot more writing lately. It's hard to do that because I basically write all day at work. I think the only way to work on myself is to write. Journal write, blog, and hopefully write some fiction. That's what I need the most practice with now. It used to be all I ever wrote -other than the occasional journal as I was growing up.

I've been thinking lately about my job. I love it, and I love the fact that I get to write for most of the day. I just sometimes wish I was doing something that helped people. Before I went to Korea, I was accepted into Social Work. It will always be one of those things that I wonder about. Originally, I had planned to come home in a year and take it -but things change. Life would certainly be different. I love where I've gone in life, and the things that I've done so I don't spend a lot of time thinking about what could have been. I just know that if I had chosen Social Work, things would be a lot different. I would have a career that involved helping people. Or -trying to help people. I guess I just see friends who have amazing jobs, that should leave them feeling amazing about themselves because of all that they do. I don't really have a job like that. In fact, I have a job that annoys people.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this because I do love my job. I love the fact that every day I get to go to work and be creative. It's a pretty good feeling when I'm busy. I think I just have to balance it out. I know that my job isn't helping people, so maybe I should volunteer. Once a week would good even to start. I just need to find the perfect place to volunteer. I was thinking I'd get a second job, but for now I think I'll volunteer. I'm not saying this is going to happen soon -I'm still getting comfortable with my new life, and working on myself, but it will happen when I'm ready.

I have another post that will be coming either today or tomorrow, but it won't be with this one... not the same thoughts. Although, that has never really stopped me before.

The break up

You can probably guess what this will be about. Cameron is still planning to move to Saskatoon, and get a fly in fly out job. However, it won't be with me. Saskatoon has always been his home, and I haven't. I made a home with him, and now we are going our separate ways. I guess we already went out separate ways (he is still in Whitecourt, and I'm in Saskatoon). We broke up two weeks ago, and if I had written two weeks ago, I'd be writing something completely different. I was heart broken. I'm not heart broken now, I'm just sad. Sad that it didn't work out. Sad that I'm not going to get married, and sad that I'm not going to have a baby. Not that I'm at all ready for any of that. To be realistic, if that's what I'm sad about, not the actual end of our relationship, it says a lot. I loved Cameron. I gave him all the love I had, but he wasn't able to return it. We both knew it, but it took both of us a long time to admit it. There is no bitterness. Cam was my best friend, and right now he still is my best friend. I don't think we'll continue being best friends, but I hope we can stay friends. Garnet and I were going to stay friends. We didn't. This is different. I'm older, more mature, and Cameron has been the one I've gone to about everything for the past 2 and a half years.

I feel like I'm okay, but I know I'm not. I think this might be the best time to blog. Instead of hiding how I'm feeling, and just simply moving on with my life, I'm going to blog about it, and not care who reads it. I can already feel myself putting on my 'brave face' in front of friends. I'm proud of myself for getting up and going to work everyday -which doesn't seem like something to be proud of -but the first work-day after our break up, all I wanted to do was go to sleep, and not go to work. I went to work, and for that I'm proud. I guess I have nothing to fall back on now. I can't just be depressed. I can't let myself. I need to move on, and make my new life in this great city.

I am going to allow myself to be sad though. I had such high hopes for Cameron and I. I really thought we were going to make it. I may have been delusional. If I had ever listened to my nagging thoughts, I might have talked to him about how I was feeling sooner. I guess I was scared that what did happen would. I had planned out our lives, and I guess the big thing is I hate to quit. I hate to give up. Cameron hates to hurt people, and hated the fact that I was going to be hurt. It helped that I wasn't surprised he was saying the things he did. I can freely admit that while I love him, I haven't felt in love with him in a while. In fact -I don't really know what 'in love' feels like. I know I've loved, but I no longer know what it's going to feel like to fall head over heels for a guy.

I'm going to miss Cameron. He was a wonderful boyfriend (at times), and when he finds that girl he actually falls in love with, she's going to feel it, and be incredibly lucky. But I need to find somebody who is always a wonderful boyfriend. And who thinks I'm smart, and believes in what I say. Also, maybe one who will stick up for me in front of his friends.

We had so much in our way when we started dating. My pregnancy, my miscarriage, my depression, and he had his issues as well. His ex-girlfriend seemed to be along for the relationship. That was both my fault and his. We started dating too soon after they FINALLY ended, and just moved to fast. We didn't date, we had a full out relationship. I didn't trust him either. I'm not sure where that came from. Mostly myself I guess. Insecurities about myself, and him.

Either way, we both need to work on ourselves more than anybody else. I lost myself quite a bit while with him, and I need to be with somebody who completely supports me, and what I say... and somebody who doesn't care that I haven't had any major life changing event in my life. Being normal is a good thing, and if he can't see that, what can I do? (I know, I try to be anything but normal, but I'm not usually crazy.)

That last paragraph may not have made sense, and maybe should have been left in my journal, but I'm already writing, and if I'm going to use this as my therapy, why not?

I guess  I also hate failing at things. Which are always full of regrets for not working hard enough at succeeding. I know this shouldn't be the same situation, but to me it is. I was the best I can be, and it wasn't enough.

That's it for now.

Changes, changes and more changes.

I have so much to say, and so much I need to write and get out of my head and into this blog, but it won't all happen tonight. Once again, my story of the past few years is interrupted by the now. I guess, I should just have two blogs so I don't confuse people who don't actually know what is in the present and what is in the past. Although... it will all be the past soon enough.

As I may have mentioned, I had trouble finding a job in Whitecourt. I hadn't quite reached the point in the story about why I quit my job as Account Executive at the radio station. Basically, I was trying to fight my depression, and I knew the job wasn't making me happy. At all. My grandfather had died in November, and people kept talking about the passion he had for farming, and how he did what he loved. I knew then, I was lacking the passion, and the love for my job. So about five months later, my boss and I spoke, and I quit.

That left me without a job. I thought it would be easy to find a job because of my experience (in jobs and life) and my education. I was wrong. I felt like every time I went to an interview, my hopes would go up, and then... I'd be kicked back down. It may have been one of the lowest points of my life. I finally got a job at a liquor store. I worked with great people. However, I had a degree, while two of my co workers didn't have a high school diploma. The other two only had their high school. I'm not judging at all. I enjoyed working with all of them, I just felt horrible that I'd worked so hard to get all that I had, and was working at a liquor store. A liquor store that somehow managed to bring me down. I felt no appreciation or faith that I could do a good job, even though I was doing a fine job. I quickly jumped at an opportunity elsewhere -although not as soon as I would have liked.

I was interning and opping at the radio station as a second job (the interning was a free second job). I didn't have it in me to leave the station. I love radio.

I was hired at a hotel a block from my house as a front desk night auditor. It was a pretty easy job. Lots to remember, but very relaxing. In fact, I had probably blogged from a night shift more than once. I enjoyed the people I worked with, but even more, I enjoyed the faith and trust my manager had in me. It felt good to once again have people see me for the hard worker I am. (I'll admit, I'm not always a hard worker, but I'm efficient and organized, and would never slack when work needed to be done.) This job kept me close to home, close to Cameron and Karmen (my dog) and Rolo (my cat), and I was making much more than I had been at the liquor store. I could have made it work, even though, in my heart, I knew I wanted more.

One day, I received a text from a co-worker at the radio station. He told me about a job opening in Saskatoon as a Creative Writer at a Saskatoon Radio company. Saskatoon is where both Cameron and I have talked about ending up, so I thought, why not? I applied, not really expecting anything to come of it (but hoping). Cameron supported my decision. (he is a supporter of me). A few days later, I received an email back asking for an interview. (A phone interview). So I arranged a time, came home from a night shift, slept for four hours, and then woke up in time for the interview. I even dressed up for it.

She had already spoken to one of my references, and somebody who wasn't a reference, but gave me one anyway when she found out I was applying for the job. (She's in the Saskatoon Creative Writing community). They both gave me really good references. The interview -was so much like the interviews I was used to... the kind where I got the job. I had it by the end of the call (possibly before the call).

So... I'm writing this from Saskatoon. I've been living here since July (It's almost the end of August). I basically left everything to come here. Cameron is planning to get a job that flies him in and out, and then planned to buy a house in Saskatoon.

I'm done for the night. I plan to write tomorrow, and if I do, I'll write about coming to Saskatoon. The good, the bad, and the changes. Because once again, my life has gone from me knowing what was going to happen next, to having NO CLUE what will happen next. Maybe I needed this feeling -but the problem with liking that is the need to not stay in the same place for too long (or the same city).

Anyway. Until the next time.

Moose Jaw

One of my closest friends (my biggest confident) just asked me if I was able to come to Moose Jaw this weekend because she will be there visiting family. I unfortunately cannot because it's so far away, and I'm lacking the money for the weekend trip. Which is sad because it's been WAY to long since I've seen Nehal. Thank goodness we're able to remain such great friends from so far apart. Seems like that's the way most of my friendships are.

I started to think about how wonderful it would to see her, and I started reminiscing. Not only about her, but about Moose Jaw as well. We met in Moose Jaw, and then lived in Regina for a while at the same time. Then we each moved away, but she will always be my 'twin'.

Actually, come to think about it, I met my other two closest friends there as well. I met Karen outside of Moose Jaw at a camp (of sorts), but anytime I visited Moose Jaw, we met up, and our friendship grew each time. I met Denise at a writing camp in Moose Jaw. I used to be embarrassed to admit that we met at a 'geeky' writing camp. However, I am a writer so there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

My point is Moose Jaw was where I started friendships with three great woman. Growing up, I lived four hours away from Moose Jaw. The fact that I have found such lasting friendships from a city I lived so far away from was the luckiest thing to happen to me.

I met them all in my teens, but my love of this city came way before I met them. (None of us live near MJ anymore). (For the sake of laziness, I'm condensing Moose Jaw to MJ).

I can remember the excitement I had going to Moose Jaw, from Plenty. (both in Saskatchewan). One of the reasons was my love for the city. I'm from a town of 200 people, so going to a city with around 30 thousand was such a great thing for me. I really had no idea this was small in comparison to larger cities. I loved the stores and the mall and the restaurants. Plenty had one restaurant and one grocery store.

Somebody made me love MJ. The whole reason my family got in the car about four times a year for the four hour drive with two little girls that DID NOT sleep during car rides was to see Grandma McCrea. My Grandma lived there, as well as my aunts and cousins. I can remember the frustration I had during the car trip waiting to get there, and I remember the excitement I felt when I saw the lights proving that we would indeed get to our destination -grandma's house.

Grandma's house was one of my favourite places. It had an attic that she used to rent out, but now was where the grand kids slept. The stairs were steep, but that didn't stop Jodi and I from climbing up and down the stairs, with an energy I seem to have lost. Jodi and I would play with the paper dolls that my aunts had played with growing up. It wasn't quite Barbies, but we loved them. My dad was the only boy in the family. He had two older sisters and one younger sister. My grandfather passed away when dad was 10, and as far as I can tell grandma dedicated her life to raising her family after that.

I can't put into words how much I loved visiting, and I don't think the feeling ever went away, even as I grew older. Leaving was always sad. Grandma always told me to leave something behind because it meant a guaranteed visit back. I'm not sure if I ever did leave anything, but I'm sure I will be telling my kids the same thing when they visit their grandparents. I'm big with goodbye's. Jodi hated them, but I always made sure I was the first and LAST one to hug grandma. I'm still like that with my mom. Grandma would stand at her window, or outside the door, and wave to us as we drove away. I don't ever remember crying when we drove off, and I guess it's because I knew we'd be back.

The summer before I started Grade 12, I stayed all summer in MJ. Stayed at grandma's house. It was just her and I. This was the year I was going for my writing camp. I already knew Karen at this point, and was excited to get to know her more during my visit. I was most excited to live in Moose Jaw, and hang out with my grandma. Grandma thought I was home sick because I was so quiet. Truthfully, I think I was just quiet. I enjoyed the silence with her. It was comfortable, and whether we were talking or not, I felt love. (I feel love with my whole family). I met Denise at the writing camp, and we became fast friends. I think Karen and Denise both called Grandma: Grandma McCrea. I also met my first ever boyfriend that summer (I was a late bloomer in the dating life). The relationship ended shortly after I returned home, but  was a great experience. Grandma was there to share it with me.

After high school, I left my life as I knew it to travel in a program called Katimavik. I was away from family for 9 months while staying in three different provinces in Canada. Everyone in my family kept in touch with me while I was gone.

When I returned, I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I took another year off before I went to University, and chose to once again, move in with my grandmother. I searched for a job in Moose Jaw, and spent the year with grandma. It was a nice break before I had to head towards 'real life'. This is the year I met Nehal. I also met my now ex. We stayed together for five years (most of them in Regina). Both he and Nehal also referred to her as grandma.

When I moved to Regina to attend University, I was still able to get to Moose Jaw and visit Grandma. We remained close. Eventually, grandma moved to a smaller place in MJ. She had been threatening this for years, but nobody was ready for her to leave her house. My cousin bought the house from her, which made everybody happy to keep it in the family. My four plus years in Regina were great because I was able to remain closer to grandma and the city I loved. After I moved to South Korea for a year of teaching, it was not very often that I got back to visit. 

The reason for this long blog about Moose Jaw and my grandma is because I realised that every time I've visited I've seen my grandma. The last time I was there was for her funeral. It was time to say goodbye to her. It was such a hard day. Cameron went with me to the funeral, and I was so sad to have him there with me. As always, the support in my life. It also made me sad, that he didn't get to meet her, and see what a great woman she was.

I also realise, that the next time I go to MJ, I won't be going there to see her, I won't be staying in her house, and frankly, my love affair with Moose Jaw has faded because of this.

That's it for now. I was going to write about the funeral next, but I'm not sure that I need to. This says it all.

Days gone by

I'm really quite good at not writing. I procrastinate from doing what I love. Strange, I know. Although, I kind of procrastinate from everything lately. I go to work, but I have yet to give my house the cleaning it deserves, or take my dog for a nice long walk, or start my own exercise/healthy eating. These are all very important to me, and I'm not doing any of it. I don't know why, and although I'm almost 31, I still have to figure out how to get myself to do all these things. I've procrastinated most of my life I guess, and it's a pretty hard habit to stop doing.

I have a friend who is trying to quit smoking. I text her everyday to see if she has quit yet. Maybe she's going to have to do the same for me. To see if I've quit procrastinating. It would change my life, that's for sure.

I want to continue my story. I've written more than once since than, but I left off when my Grandma passed away. I don't have anything to go on to help me remember. My journal is at home, and I actually don't want to read it again right now.

I'm going to have to save it though. I'm hoping I will not procrastinate, and be able to write tomorrow. I just looked at the last one, and saw where I left off. I don't have enough time tonight to get into it or cry while writing.

I work night shifts right now, and I have extra time to write or read, and I'm loving the opportunity. I just have to take advantage of my good fortune.

Dance like nobody is watching

It's been a long time. I've cheated, and been doing a book blog as well. That way I feel like I'm still sharing, but it's a bit easier. I'm not really going to be writing about anything today. Just my feelings and thoughts I guess. Stuff about me. I'm good at talking about myself, but what I've been noticing lately is that I've never really been good at showing real emotion, and talking about things that are affecting me. I can tell you my what my favourite colours are, which movie makes me cry every time I see it, or the book that I can read a thousand times. I can tell you what I wanted to be when I grew up, or what I do now. All of this information will help you to know me better, but that's the easy stuff to get out. I love telling people what I love, but I'm not so good at getting my opinion out there, and talking about things that are truly important. I guess that's why this blog has started. I'm trying to get out of my 'shy'mode. I don't want to be embarrassed about my life, and about what I'm bad at. I want to tell you what I'm bad at, and let it be done with. I want to tell you about my bad day, and explain why things are frustrating me. I want to admit to the world that I do struggle with depression because it's something SO many people deal with. There are things on this blog that I'll share here, but not on facebook. I've never made it public that I was pregnant or had a miscarriage. People knew, I just never let all of my facebook friends know. Because let's admit it... most of my those people are people who I was once friends with, but would have lost touch with if not for facebook. It's so much easier writing it down than saying it out loud, but healing either way.

I don't want to talk about two years ago in today's blog. I may or may not get back to it. I probably will because nobody likes an unfinished story. My goal was to start from my pregnancy, and each blog would be about the last couple of years, gradually leading up to my life now. Unfortunately, I do not write as much as I should, so if I make that my goal, and never write about my life today, I may never get to the present. And it's pretty important to live in the present. (as well as remember what got you to the present).

The problem with not writing about something specific is the fact that I lost focus. I don't have a reason to write, I'm just writing.

I write in a journal as well, but less and less. I want to go back to journal writing, and with my new open life, it won't be 'private' things in my journal that I don't want the world to know. I'll just write in it when I feel like writing but not publishing. That will help with my newest goal. I'm going to write AT LEAST twice a week. In my journal, my book blog, this blog, or a letter to somebody. I'm also planning to write and send out more mail and cards. Mail makes people happy when it isn't bills, and I want to make my world happy. When my grandma was sick, and I couldn't get to Moose Jaw to visit, I wrote her a card and sent a whole bunch of them. I can't remember if I was going for one a week, or one a day, but it made me feel good to know that I could reach out in my own way.

The reason I haven't been writing as often on this blog or in my journal is simple. I'm feeling happy. I never really feel like writing and making myself sad when I'm not sad. Which is why I'm not talking about the past. I'm sharing my happiness with everyone. Things are going well. Cameron continues to make me happy, I have a whole lifetime of adventures to look forward to, and I feel like I'm slowly gaining just a little bit of my independence back. I lost A LOT of it in the last few years, which is sad because that is something I was most proud of about myself. My job isn't perfect, but I'm slowly realizing, that it's not about what my job is, it's about who I am.

Here is the last thing I have to say before I get to work (house cleaning and organizing): I'm always coming up with new goals for myself... always always always... sometimes they are the same because I haven't yet reached my full potential, but here is a new one: I'm going to dance and sing once a day. Whether I'm alone or in front of people, just letting loose for five minutes is such a great thing. I'm a TERRIBLE dancer, and TERRIBLE singer, but I've stopped caring. When I go out dancing (which isn't very often), I dance like nobody is watching because if I were to think about people watching, and care what they're looking at, I probably wouldn't dance at all. (I haven't in the past). I don't play my music enough, and it is such a great reminder of the past when I do turn it on.

For Velma McCrea

I've waited a long time to write this one. I think it's hard for me because I am still so emotionally attached to my grandma. I've written about my miscarriage more than once. I wrote about it just a week after it happened in hopes of getting it all out, and also in this blog. It seems like I've somewhat desensitized myself. I still get upset when I think about certain things, but I'm able to tell people the story of my miscarriage without getting overly upset. Emotionless I guess... even though it wasn't.

I don't know that I can tell the story about my grandma's death without tears. Here or in person. I cried a lot while writing about my miscarriage on here, and it will be no different this time. I've already written about it a bit, so it won't be as long, but I was just as heart broken if not more so, but in a completely different way.

Losing a grandparent is hard. I'm sure it is for everybody. Even though I knew it was coming, it didn't stop the pain. At that point, I thought I was over the miscarriage, which meant I could focus completely on my new grief. I was wrong about being over the miscarriage, but it helped me deal with her death at the time. It also, unfortunately, made it easier. I had blocked my heart from pain. I didn't deal with it in the way I should have.

I'm going to write about her death, but I'm going to try to write about her life as well. Even as I write about her, I know that I can't make clear how great of a woman she was. She was loved by so many. Not just family, but everybody she met. She was loving, had a great sense of humour, she let her opinion be known, she was accepting of others, and was a big environmentalist. There are so many more things.

When I was 15 or 16, I got it into my head that I wanted an eyebrow ring. My family wasn't that excited about it, but grandma paid for it for me. She didn't care about the change it would make on me, she wanted me to do it safely. I think that was the summer I lived with her. It was a great summer. She worried a lot because she was concerned I was homesick. I didn't talk much. I guess I still don't at times. I just enjoyed spending time with her. I liked listening to her talk. I liked spending time with her, talking or no talking.

Grandma watched soaps. Something that she's passed down (if that's possible). After I was older, and living on my own, she still made sure to let me know what was going on with The Young and the Restless. Even though I didn't watch the show, she still told me about it. I find myself watching it now, specifically for grandma. I imagine talking to her about what is happening with the characters.

I imagine talking to her about many things. Sometimes I tear up (or cry) because there are so many things I want to catch her up on. I want to tell her how great my friends have turned out because she knew them as teenagers, and would love to know how much they've grown in life, and how great they've become. (They have.)

My grandma died in April of 2009. Four months after my miscarriage, I lost a woman that I looked up to more than anybody. A woman who raised a family on her own after her husband passed away (when my father was 10, and my aunt was just a baby -with two aunts older than my dad). She did so much in her life, and made so many wonderful choices to make her life and the world a better place.

I found out she died through facebook. Every time I think about that, I wonder why I'm still on it. I understand the concept of getting your grief out through facebook statuses. I also understand that waiting until everybody has heard the news is appropriate. My cousin's step-daughter (who was around 15 at that point), wrote a status that said "RIP Great Grandma." I knew who it was about.

I called my mom, and without waiting for her to tell me, I asked if it was true. She couldn't believe I found out the way I did. She had just heard, and was planning to call my sister and I.

I was all alone sitting in my condo when I found out. Cameron was at work, and at that point I must have been between roommates. My sister called me, and without talking we just cried. It was a loss we were all expecting, but weren't ready for at all.

My family had seen her before she died, and it was hard for them. She was in a different time in her life in her head. I didn't see it. I've already spoken about the last time I saw her, and I'm happy I got the chance to see her when I did.

Earlier that night, I had received an email from a friend living in South Africa. I taught with him in South Korea, and kept in contact through letters and email. He had just lost his father. He was with his dad while he was sick, and the email was just letting people know how it happened. I felt so bad for him. That's a loss I will never be ready for. It was shocking to find out my grandma had died just hours later after I read his email.

Once again, my friends and family were there. I called my friend Karen, who knew and loved my grandmother, and also lost her grandma a couple of years ago. She was sleeping when I called, but took the time to talk to me, and tell me how sorry she was. Cameron called me as soon as he received my email. As always, Nehal was the first person I told, and spoke to. My rocks.

I think that's all for tonight. My computer just played a mean joke on me, telling me it was closing the program. Luckily this saves things every three seconds.

So I will quickly do a crap edit, and than publish. Will write again soon (I hope).