More snow

It's snowing today which is a great time for me to write. Makes me happy and nostalgic. However, I'm not writing about snow. It's time to finish my story. When I think back to last year (2009), I sometimes have trouble believing all that happened.

After my week of healing (two weeks altogether), I went back to work, and tried to get back to real life. That's what I wanted. I'm going to quote myself. That sounds strange, but I've been trying to remember what comes next, and how I was feeling, and I can't remember some of it, or when things happened. I wrote in my journal a little bit at that time though, and that's what I'll be quoting from.

I wrote this before my second hospital visit (the one in Whitecourt), "I want the physical part to be over (the pain) so I can deal with the emotional part. I need to write it all in here and deal with this all by getting it all out, and I would almost rather do it in here so that I don't have to burden anyone else with it. Let's face it, it's me going through this. No one else, and why should they have to, I don't even want to."

It scares me that I wrote that, and I hope I've changed. Perhaps, if I had been blogging it all for the world to see, I would have been able to deal with it all so much better. I didn't really deal with it, mostly because I didn't know how. I wrote that January 29th, 2009. At the end of the entry, I mentioned the fact that my grandma was back in the hospital (and nobody was sounding very hopeful). I found that so scary because I didn't know how I would possibly deal with both things happening. I felt very selfish for thinking that though.

I haven't read back at past journal entries for a long time. I wrote more than I remembered. Especially during the first little bit. I wanted to get over it so badly, but I didn't know how to, and didn't take the time to figure out how to.

Feb 2nd, 2009: "I hate these on and off days. I'm so frustrated today. I really just want it to be over. I'm just at the point where I don't think any of this is fair, and I know people deal with far worse, but I'm just so done with all of this. I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, and at some point I need to find time to deal with it all. I really wanted this baby, and I know this because it didn't happen."

Feb 4th, 2009: "Today is tough. For once, not physically. Just emotionally. I'm just sad -and I'm confused because I can't place the sadness. I've just been through so much, and I don't know how to feel about anything. I'm trying to write about the experience, and that may be why things are hard right now. I've felt like crying all day, and I hate how anti-social I've been. Hopefully tomorrow gets better."

I wrote these two during my week off. I could feel myself retreating from the world. I took so much comfort from Cameron, and had trouble doing things without him. Yet, I didn't confide much to him. I thought I was, but he knew I wasn't. I think I was just expecting things to get better much quicker than they did. I feel like this is cheating, by writing what I have already written, but it's working.

I started back at work the next week, but was not doing a very good job at it.

February 12/09: "I absolutely need to write. I need to be at work, seeing clients, making money and making phone calls. Instead I'm sitting in my house, feeling depressed. It's been such a tough month, and I'm feeling better, but I seem to be worrying about everything lately. I'm trying to leave the house, and I have things to do, and yet I have to convince myself to see people. I'm worried about Cameron and I. I like him so much, and I can see a future, but I'm worried that I'm going to get hurt. I trust him, but am worried he'll decide he doesn't want a relationship. I hate getting worried or worked up about things because I don't think I deal with them correctly. I close down and feel depressed. This doesn't happen a lot, but enough that I know it isn't right. I always thought of myself as someone who could fight my way out of depression, but why does it have to begin at all? I guess I just can't be in a relationship without stressing out about absolutely everything. And it's not just my relationship, it's my life, my job. I hate failing, but I feel like I am."

I'm just so mad at myself for trying to rush it. I actually don't mind that obsessing about a relationship because that's a realistic thing I do. I guess it gave me a chance to focus on something else (although it made for a rocky start to the relationship).

As a side note, I'm not going to focus on this a lot because it's not my story, but I was also stressed out and worried about Cameron's ex. I felt insecure about their relationship, and felt that I was failing in comparison to her. It was a silly thing to worry about, but what can I say... I'm a girl. Instead of just being happy with what I have, I worry about absolutely everything that wasn't needed. I guess I was comparing my relationship to the one I had with my ex. When I broke up with my ex, my worry was that I would never find somebody who loved me as much as him. That's a selfish thought. I can admit it. So going into this new relationship, I worried that he could never love me like he loved his ex. I didn't see that every relationship is different. There was a reason he was no longer with his ex, and a reason I'm no longer with mine. Either way, it was a stress I didn't need, but gave me something to focus on other than the miscarriage. That's all I have to say about that. Like I said, his past is his business. No one else's. I had personal insecurities, and they really had nothing to do with him or his past.

I spoke to my boss while I was going through all this. He suggested that I make an appointment with a counselor. I did. I had two appointments with her before I stopped going. I think I was frustrated because she was making me feel normal, if not a little childish, and I wanted her to help me. Possibly if I had given her more of a chance, she would have. If I were going now, it would be easier, but the difference is, I have an easier time getting out of bed now. (Not that I don't love to sleep in).

March 1st/09: 'I'm not getting any better and somehow, I have lost the ability to be able to spend time on my own. I used to love sleeping in my own bed, by myself, but now, being by myself is scary. I'm not worried about hurting myself, or break ins, I'm worried about the silence. I should be using the time to write, but instead, I cry or I watch TV. I should be trying to fix myself, not let it overpower me.'

The thing that astonishes me about these entries is that it wasn't the worst of my depression. I remember not getting out of bed, and knowing I needed help, but not quite willing to help myself. -Then again, I just read the next entry, and it pretty much is a perfect description of what I was going through.

March 9th/09: 'I tricked myself. I woke up yesterday and I thought I had fought off the depression just in a day. I've done it before, so I thought I could again. I was wrong. I woke up today without the will to do anything. I didn't get anything accomplished, and I didn't try to get anything accomplished. I've cried a lot today, and I think it's partially because I thought I was on the mend. Maybe I still am, but today, I'm feeling pretty hopeless, and as usual I'm feeling pretty impatient.'

This isn't the entry I had actually planned. I wanted to write about grandma. She's next. It'll be hard for me to write, but I need to. I think the biggest part of my depression was it started because I didn't deal with what happened, but then it stayed, and I still didn't deal because it became more about the depression than how I was feeling. Having something to be sad about helped me at times because I knew I was feeling something important.

Where am I going?

Well, I didn't stay off facebook very long, but I did make it until Thursday. I woke up this morning to a text from Nehal. She was letting me know it has been two weeks since I last posted. Thanks Nehal. (By the way, this is the same girl I texted from the toilet when I found out I was pregnant). My encourager. (relentless encourager).

I have opened up this page MANY times in the past two weeks. I don't know what stops me from writing, but something does. I don't think it's writer's block. Fear possibly. Fear that even though it feels great to do this, I want more from it -and I'm not sure I'll get it.

I've received good feedback about what I've been writing. It's nice to hear, and sooner than later, I will get back to my story of the past. I haven't given myself enough time tonight though. I guess it was easier to go through the miscarriage, than the things after. I guess depression is hard to describe, and in my case, not that interesting.

I am just feeling stuck right now. I'm not depressed anymore, but I can feel it sometimes. My biggest problem right now is my job -which should not be a cause for depression (to me). I just wish I knew where I was going at the age of 30 -or even better, that I was already there.

Growing up, I didn't really have a definite plan of what I would do when I was grown up. I wanted to be a famous actress. I wanted to be rich and famous. I wanted to be in love. I did want to be a writer as I got into my teens (a famous writer), and I probably thought that would be easier than it is. I don't know how to be a writer and make money now. The two don't go hand in hand.

The only time I felt like I was finally in a career was at the radio station, and I miss that feeling of belonging somewhere.

I guess the reason I took a break from my writing was because I get frustrated about where I am in my life. It's incredibly sad to me that I don't have a family, I'm not a mom, and I don't have a career to blame on the way my life is. If I was travelling, that would be different, but I'm not even doing that. I can't afford it.

So that's why you haven't heard from me. I'm having a feeling sorry for me moment (that's lasted a few weeks). Maybe writing this will help though. I can get back on track and continue writing every day.

Until tomorrow. (or the next time).